mice and lice..twice!

Hi. Okay, I’ll just get right into it. Things are going good and bad.

I bought a house, which is cool, and I move in 2 weeks! I’m so excited, it’s brand new, I just had it painted, I have a big red wall, and the girls are super excited to have a finished basement. They are also excited to move in general, and I am just done with renting even though my landlord has been lovely and the experience hasn’t been bad, but just that feeling like I’m throwing money away is not a great one and I am happy to finally own something.

Moving out of my family house to rent has been very hard on me. Some people have said that Chris should “let me keep the house” but, financially, I just cannot afford it by myself. It was my grandparents, great grandparents, and great great grand-parents house, but we didn’t get it for free, or a discount. I have actually been surprised at the amount of people who thought my granny just gave me a $500,000 house, which would have been nice, but their house was part of their retirement “income” or whatever it is called, and I would never, ever, take that away from them after all they have done for me during my life. 

So, I cannot afford the mortgage and I just had to get over it, even though a lot people were upset. But it’s not Chris’s fault, and I just had to move on, although occasionally my heart breaks when I walk inside.  And one should not stay married for their house anyway, it is not a good reason to live unhappily.

We also have a mouse in hanging out in our rental. I know mice are around, I’ve had them before in my house that I owned, so I’m not saying there is a mouse because I’m renting. Anyway though, he’s there. Georgia named him Adam, and every time I try to set up a mouse trap, she and June freak the fuck out and start crying because they don’t want me to kill him. June thought Georgia named him “Madam” which I just realized a few days ago, so now we call him Madam instead of Adam, and the girls don’t bat an eyelash when he pops his head out. Meanwhile, I’m screaming my face off, throwing things at him, and I have to somehow kill him even though now I’m also sort of emotionally attached to the idea of “Madam”, and yes I know mice are disgusting and gross, but part of me also hopes that if I am a mouse in my next life I might have a name like “Madam” and nice neighbors like Georgia and June. So I can’t quite bring myself to set up a trap yet. Someone else can come over and do it for me though if you would like.

Speaking of disgusting hosts and neighbors, we also had lice. It was really fun! Just kidding. It was fucking nasty, and I’m pretty sure that if you are a murderer or bad person and you die, in your next life you come back as a lice, because being a lice probably really sucks and seems horrible and boring, and EVERYONE HATES YOU AND WANTS YOU TO DIE. Anyway, it was going around Georgia and June’s school so I was bracing myself. I was checking their heads, but not really knowing what to look for, and then all of a sudden WE WERE ALL ITCHY. And not like a normal head itch, it fucking feels like you scalp is on fire mostly behind your ears and in the back, and you just want to rake it with a dinglehopper.

So it’s after school and I just know we have it, so I get a flashlight and shine it in June’s head and I SEE SOMETHING MOVING. I can’t explain what it looks like though, it didn’t look like a bug. It just looked like her hair was moving, ughhhhghhggg. I start freaking out. This is one of those situations where I literally look for a grown up.

Can’t call my mom because, um, I am the mom, so I google “lice removal services that come to your house.” The first place I called could not come until the next day and I was literally like, “fuck you, thanks for nothing!” And I’m sure the girl on the phone was happy they were busy.

The second place I called was actually a woman who just took house calls. She said she was available, but didn’t feel like trying to look for parking in my neighborhood, and I was like, "LADY I AM UBERING YOU HERE!”

So, I get her the uber and Melissa comes in. She was a former nanny for rich people in CA and apparently, rich people get lice too. She said she got the idea for her business because all of the rich and famous wanted someone to come to the house and take care of it, instead of going to a treatment center or doing it themselves.

And you know what?? I don’t blame them. I am not dealing with lice either, even though I am not rich or famous, I need someone to do a house call!

She combs out the girls first. Georgia had it a little worse than June, but they both had actual bugs in their hair. I was next and apparently I am a bad host, because my bug died and I just had some eggs. YAY!  (Insert puke emoji). Melissa said it was probably because I blow dry my hair and they die from heat or something. I learned so much about lice that I never wanted to learn, and if you have any questions about it you can ask me. The next day, I had to take off of work and clean off all of my furniture, wash all of my shit, and throw away a bunch of things, but lice cannot live more than 24 hours off host so I think we are in the clear, and…a month later…the girls got it again!

June’s teacher called and told us she had it, which is SO EMBARRASSING, but whatever, when 

Melissa came back it wasn’t as bad on them as the first time. So now we are once again lice free. I bought a bunch of preventative shampoos, bath stuff, I comb their hair out with the lice comb every once in a while just to be safe, I spray their hair with spray before school, and I try to keep their hair up or back if they let me. I also had psychosomatic itching for like 3 months after which is awesome and I felt like I was going insane. 

It’s really swell to add “hair bugs” to the big pile of shit that I have to worry about, not to mention June likes to play bug lady, and she is Melissa and I am a kid with bugs in my hair and she has to comb it out. Combining the lice, with Madam, and oh did I mention there was a fire in my backyard…I can’t wait to GFTO!