I Don't Sleep to Dream

So I pretty much dread going home from work these days? 

 "Why," you ask, "would one ever not want to get home from work?"

Because...it really sucks. I get home, I attempt to walk my dog but the baby is just  chilling on my bladder and it hurts SO BAD when i stand up, that I can only make it around the block . I feel so terrible that I can't take Buckely on a nice, long walk, not to mention it is freaking freezing out, my knees, feet,  and back are killing me, and there is a foot or something that kicks me in my ribs constantly.  I hate it. =( So-that happens first.

Then I try to figure out what to make for dinner. I have no idea what I want to eat anymore. The whole process is overwhelming. Last night I almost had a melt down and ended up just eating popcorn and cake. Sooo bad for my daughter. Again, the guilt.  I also try to be really cheerful for Chris when he gets home, but all I want to do is cry and lay on the couch and complain about stupid shit.

I count down the minutes to 8PM-where I can go up to bed without feeling like a total loser. 8PM is a respectable bedtime, right? Not too early? I just want to be aloooooone really. Chris and Buckley usually come up around 10PM, so that plenty of time for me to just lay there and feel my daughter move around while imagining how much fun we are going to have prom dress shopping. Well, actually I'm not "just laying there" I'm rolling around trying to find a comfortable position, maneuvering pillows, legs, and comforters, and trying to at least feel ...I don't even know what the word is. Comfortable ain't it. Settled, I guess.

Click Click Click Click Click Click!  Little feet on the hardwood floor-Here comes Buckley! He jumps into bed, of course climbing right on top of me. He makes sure not a spot on my face has gone unlicked. I'm too exhausted to even move, so I just let him stay there and it's so annoying, but my pillows are just right, and if i move them it will take an hour to get settled again.

Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp! Here comes my husband. He is very loud coming up the stairs and into the room. He doesn't mean to bang dresser drawers when he closes them...but...he does. It's annoying. 

Now Chris and Buckley are both in bed with me. They both want to snuggle. I'm like, falling off of the side of the bed, I have no room, I want to scream, but I know that they both love me and are trying to be supportive.  10 minutes later everyone is snoring and I'm still laying there, trying not to fall out of bed, unable to fall asleep, wondering what my daughter could possibly be doing in there that requires a karate chop kick every two minutes. My hips feel like they are burning, my back feels like I am carrying the state of  Texas on it, and I break out into a cold sweat every time I think about the fact that I am going to be a parent.

Ahhhh...sleep. Finally. For like a half hour. Then I have to get up to pee and I lay there for an hour trying to decide whether or not it is worth it to get up to use the bathroom. Finally my bladder feels like it is going to explode, so I get up into the cold run (waddle) to the bathroom and waddle back in bed.

Now there is REALLY no room in bed. Chris and Buckley have taken advantage of my weak bladder and stretched out everywhere.  I pick up Buckley and put him in his crate, try to move Chris out of his sideways position, roll myself into bed, and mess around with all of my pillows for another hour.

Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. 

BEEEEEP !BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP.! Oh goody, it's time to get up again.  =/