If that horse and cart falls down...

So...there are a lot of things I don't like about being pregnant. I'll freely admit that I am not a huge fan of carrying life. That said, if anything were to happen to my little life, I would fight to the end to try to save her.

I had some bleeding/cramps today, so I called my doctor and they told me to go right in to make sure I wasn't having contractions.  I felt sick to my stomach when the nurse said that, even though I obviously know that bleeding is a concern when you are pregnant, and yes-contractions/labor were a possibility. That's why I called. To hear someone say it out loud though is just really horrifying. Especially because I know that if I did have the baby now, they would not try to save her because she is not 24 weeks old. That is totally devastating.

Being pregnant isn't like walking around with a bowling ball tied to your stomach. I mean, it kind of is but that is sort of the least of the whole experience of being pregnant. ( I mean, maybe I'll rethink this statement when I'm at 38 weeks-but for now it isn't the main focus).  I worry about this little thing all the freaking time.  I'm the only house she has ever known, I'm the only person who can take care of her at this point. I know Chris loves her- I absolutely know he does. When my sister was pregnant with Rocco, I loved Rocco but it was a different kind of love. What kind of love is it? I don't really know. How is it possible to love someone you have never met? I do know now that I like to play music for her, I like to eat yummy food and imagine that she is moving around like crazy due to the excitement of the jelly filled donut I just ate (even though I'm pretty sure she can't taste anything). I like to pat my stomach and imagine that it makes her feel safe and comfy, I try to find a good sleeping position so that I don't squash her, I try to find all these little jobs that don't seem like much, but they are the only ways I can feel like I can let her know that I love her .  Mostly though, I just want to hug and kiss her so bad that it almost makes me cry. Sometimes it does make me cry.

I swear I'm not trying to act like I'm the first person to ever get pregnant. I know everyone loves their babies. It's just weird because before I was pregnant, I too, thought it was just like strapping on a bowling ball, and sometimes you go tired.  Yes, I thought miscarriages were sad-of course. But I didn't really GET them. The responsibility is so much bigger. It's so overwhelming. I don't know how I'll be able to handle loving another person so much that it makes my heart break.  I mean, I'm okay with love and everything. I love my family, my family loves me, I love my husband.  It's just that when a nurse says "We aren't sure where the blood is coming from, and we don't save the babies until they are 24 weeks old" and THEN hands you a packet that says "Information on A Threatened Abortion"...I don't even know how to explain it.  I wanted to get inside myself and curl up with my baby and protect her until she is old enough to come out.

I know there has to be a cutoff point. I also know that the nurse has to deliver bad news to moms to be all day, and that if she cried with everyone she helped, she wouldn't be able to do her job. Maybe if I hadn't been so close to the cutoff I wouldn't have felt so upset.  I was totally overcome with this emotion of being powerless. There would be nothing I could do to help baby. ( She does have a name, but I have not made an official announcement...even though if you ask I'll tell you)

Ultimately, I think I'm going to be okay. I just think I've just had my first little tiny taste of parenting, and it is totally frightening. Totally.