oh Have yourself a merry little pity party

Well, Thanksgiving is over. Which I'm happy about-but only because it means that I am thismuch closer to giving birth! I've never wanted to rush a holiday season so much...I mean, except for maybe when I was little and of course I wanted Christmas to come NOW because I was a greedy  little thing and want to open all of my presents.

We did have a lovely time in New York (near Saratoga) with Chris's family. It was really relaxing-I had a horrible cold which started last Thursday so it was good just to lay around and do nothing. Oh-and did I mention the COACH outlet? YES! I got a Coach bag at an outlet store in Vermont for $95-originally $378. Don't be jealous.

So...moving on to Christmas. Christmas sometimes makes me sad, because of course since I lost my singing voice 5 years ago I obviously can't sing Christmas songs. I have had some great voice lessons here and there over the past five years ( along with three surgeries) but for the most part, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will not ever sing or perform again. I've tried to sit down and write about it a few times, but I usually just end up deleting everything because it hurts too much, and I'm still at a point where I'm pretending that I will sing again. Not quite ready to pull the plug-but I'm getting there. The one thing that is very upsetting is that I will not be able to sing to my daughter. That thought just rips my heart out.

A lot of times people say to me "Well, I'm sure you still sound a million times better than me." And I just smile and laugh (hahaha) while inside my heart wants to scream at them. It isn't about how I do or do not sound. I physically CAN"T sing. It isn't that I have a bad singing voice. The sound just doesn't happen most of the times. It doesn't sound hoarse, or out of tune, or have a bad tone. It's just-nothing. The only way I can describe it is like trying so hard to push open a locked door.Nothing happens because it's locked.

Now, on days when my voice DOES feel good-I sound very pretty, my high notes are all there, tone is good-I'm in tune. But it only lasts for like a half hour AND during that half hour I'm not singing songs-I'm just vocalizing and doing exercises.  My head voice is much better than my chest voice,I can sometimes get through part of a classical piece, but for the most part-I just try to pretend that I never loved anything as much as I loved to sing.

I want to bring my daughter to music classes-but I think if I have to sing songs with her I'll most likely just cry. I always thought I would sing to my children. I thought we would put on plays together, dress up, sing musicals, and I would teach her how to belt like Judy Garland and Etta James, and kick her ass if she wanted to sing some shit like High School Musical or whatever that movie is.  But for whatever reason, I'm not meant to sing anymore. I still can't figure out why this happened to me. I hate when people say "Everything happens for a reason" because there really is no positive that has come out of it. I'm just really sad. I wake up every morning STILL and I feel an empty, hurt in my stomach and heart because of it. It's beyond "straining my voice too much".

 I actually was going to have a botox injection in my vocal cords in August (I might have something called spasmodic dysphonia), but then I found out I was pregnant so of course that has to be put on hold. I might have it done after the baby is born, mostly because whatever I have has started to affect my speech, even though most people say they can't hear it.

So yes, when I hear Judy Garland singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" on the radio I want to throw a shoe or something and turn the music off because that was my favorite Christmas song to sing. I want to cry when I think about music classes with my daughter because she's going to wonder why her mom sucks at singing so bad. I mean, my mom has the worst voice ever, but at least she can get through a song. I'm just a dancer with a broken leg.  Or a pianist with a broken hand. Except no one can see my break, so they think it's just all mental in my head. I hate it.And I hate when people who can't sing, try to be singers, but that is another blog another time.