Tell Me Something Good

One thing I'm learning throughout this pregnancy, is that my girly goodies are no longer MY girlie goodies. They are EVERYBODYS ! With the bleeding I've had, I have to keep going to the doctor, they look at my vag, and tell me nothing is wrong and send me home. It's SO annoying, but I have to go every time it happens. I have not ever spent so much time talking about my private parts ever in my whole life... not to mention that every time I hop into some stirrups I am reminded that I have not done any waxing, shaving, or grooming since July! Thank GOD my stomach is in the way I can't see anything down there. But still, when I'm laying there all hairy, I can't help but think, "Damn. It's 1992 all over again. Somebody put in some Bell Biv Devoe."

And someone remind me that I NEEED a pedicure. Not WANT a pedicure, I NEED a pedicure. I don't care if it's about to be December. Between my big stomach, the fact that I can't see or bend over to shave,  my toe nail polish that's been on my toes since September, and the fact that I usually lay around in sweatpants and stuff my face all weekend, well, let's just say I'm desperate for compliments. I need to feel pretty!

So last night I'm laying there ( hairy legs included)  in the oh so flattering position of stirrups (remind me to tell you about Chris the first time he saw me get into stirrups. It thought he was going to throw up.) I'm watching my  daughter's heart rate on the monitor. The nurse is telling me they she is going to do an internal exam, you'll feel pressure, blah blah blah. All of a sudden we get into an awkward discussion about the size of the speculum. Well, any conversation in stirrups is awkward really. But anyway...

"Oh. We are going to have to use the extra small speculum for you! There is no way this one is going to fit!" Uh...okaaaay.

"Everything is so nicely in place, and your cervix is so easy to find!" er...great?

"You are so tiny inside, really, that bigger speculum would have been so uncomfortable."

I make a stupid joke about how my husband will be upset about this small speculum news, and she looks at me like I have 5 heads. I mean, I'm sorry but the conversation was "wide open" (hehehe vag humor) for a good penis joke. Or not.

I guess not. So anyway-I'm not sure WHAT to make of all of this news about my small cervix, or why I should give a crap, but I decide that I guess she is complimenting me in some kind of strange gynecological manner.  I'll take it! So, my small, beautiful cervix and I are laying there, proud of our compliments, when she busts out with "Yep, that won't be the case after you have the baby. After that, it all goes to hell."

EXCUUUUSE ME? Are you telling me that my beautiful, small cervix, is going to be ugly and hard to find? Like EVERYONE ELSE you examine?

Well! I never!