Thursday, January 13, 2011

Don't Feed the Buffalo

So are these dead birds freaking anyone else out? Dead doves, dead crabs-I can't take it! I'm seriously going to be pissed if the world is ending and I have spent my last months fat, pregnant, and sober.  This is all like the beginning of a horror movie, where the audience sees all kinds of signs of the apocalypse, and the poor unknowing earthlings in the movie just go about their daily business-naive to any kind of space invaders or Jesus coming down on a cloud or whatever. The main family is usually a nice middle class couple with a child...or a CHILD ON THE WAY...I'm just sayin. The movie will be more exciting if someone (me?) gives birth just as the aliens are destroying the earth-and the only survivor is the baby who is adopted by the aliens ,or Jesus or whoever, and GROWS UP TO SAVE THE WORLD. How is that for having a overachieving kid?

So that would be cool. It would also be cool to have Jesus as your kid. As the mother, you wouldn't have to put out on some random night when you are tired from work, with hairy legs, and the last thing you feel like doing is  yor 25 year old sexy starlet act for your husband. It's just like, you wake up and you are preggers.  Not only that-Jesus would come in really handy throughout the years. "Damn, I'm having a dinner party and I forgot to get wine! Jesus, can you turn mommy's water pitcher into a few pitchers or wine, and while you are at it-do something with these loaves of bread."

See? It would be kind of awesome.

Speaking of parties and food, I would like to discuss something that bugs the shit out of me. What I would like to discuss is FREE FOOD AT THE OFFICE.

Okay. I get that it's fun to have office parties. I get that sometimes it's cool to not have to pay for your lunch. But I HATE HATE HATE when people totally freak out about it. Like, they run in with containers and plates and fill up like it's going to be their last meal on earth. And it's usually people you have never seen before coming into your ofice party and taking leftovers. It's like they run in, dig in and run out. They don't stay and socialize. I have no idea why they have "to go" containers at work, but they have them, and they pretty much just act like vultures. Sometimes they get mad that "no one told them there was free food" if they've already brought their lunch. Sometimes they run to get free food even if they've already eaten lunch. God, it's so trashy and embarrassing, and I really can't stand it.

Today a lady who does not work in my department was having a retirement party. Someone from the department was nice enough to invite everyone on our floor to have lunch. I hadn't eaten, and I was trying ( and failing) to motivate my fat pregnant, self to get off my chair to go out and get something to eat. Needless to say, I was thankful for the invite.  Okay so the first thing I see when I walk out into the hallway was a lady standing there with a bag-she obviously just picked up her lunch from a pizza place or Chinese place. "No one told me there was food, I just went out BOUGHT LUNCH!" ( Oh! The horror!)

So, anyway I walk past all of the horrified people who have already bought lunch, and walk into the party room. I walk over the lady who was retiring, introduced myself, and congratulated her, thanked her for inviting me to her party blah blah blah and she cut me a piece of cake and told me to help myself. That seems like the nice normal thing to do. So I'm standing there, and all of a sudden in run in the heard of buffalo who have already bought lunch. They FILL their plates up, don't say anything to anyone, including the lady who is retiring, and  THAT IS SO RUDE! RUDE! RUDE! RUDE!

I wasn't surprised, really. It just makes me mad that people are that selfish. GRRRR.

I Don't Sleep to Dream

So I pretty much dread going home from work these days? 

 "Why," you ask, "would one ever not want to get home from work?" really sucks. I get home, I attempt to walk my dog but the baby is just  chilling on my bladder and it hurts SO BAD when i stand up, that I can only make it around the block . I feel so terrible that I can't take Buckely on a nice, long walk, not to mention it is freaking freezing out, my knees, feet,  and back are killing me, and there is a foot or something that kicks me in my ribs constantly.  I hate it. =( So-that happens first.

Then I try to figure out what to make for dinner. I have no idea what I want to eat anymore. The whole process is overwhelming. Last night I almost had a melt down and ended up just eating popcorn and cake. Sooo bad for my daughter. Again, the guilt.  I also try to be really cheerful for Chris when he gets home, but all I want to do is cry and lay on the couch and complain about stupid shit.

I count down the minutes to 8PM-where I can go up to bed without feeling like a total loser. 8PM is a respectable bedtime, right? Not too early? I just want to be aloooooone really. Chris and Buckley usually come up around 10PM, so that plenty of time for me to just lay there and feel my daughter move around while imagining how much fun we are going to have prom dress shopping. Well, actually I'm not "just laying there" I'm rolling around trying to find a comfortable position, maneuvering pillows, legs, and comforters, and trying to at least feel ...I don't even know what the word is. Comfortable ain't it. Settled, I guess.

Click Click Click Click Click Click!  Little feet on the hardwood floor-Here comes Buckley! He jumps into bed, of course climbing right on top of me. He makes sure not a spot on my face has gone unlicked. I'm too exhausted to even move, so I just let him stay there and it's so annoying, but my pillows are just right, and if i move them it will take an hour to get settled again.

Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp! Here comes my husband. He is very loud coming up the stairs and into the room. He doesn't mean to bang dresser drawers when he closes them...but...he does. It's annoying. 

Now Chris and Buckley are both in bed with me. They both want to snuggle. I'm like, falling off of the side of the bed, I have no room, I want to scream, but I know that they both love me and are trying to be supportive.  10 minutes later everyone is snoring and I'm still laying there, trying not to fall out of bed, unable to fall asleep, wondering what my daughter could possibly be doing in there that requires a karate chop kick every two minutes. My hips feel like they are burning, my back feels like I am carrying the state of  Texas on it, and I break out into a cold sweat every time I think about the fact that I am going to be a parent.

Ahhhh...sleep. Finally. For like a half hour. Then I have to get up to pee and I lay there for an hour trying to decide whether or not it is worth it to get up to use the bathroom. Finally my bladder feels like it is going to explode, so I get up into the cold run (waddle) to the bathroom and waddle back in bed.

Now there is REALLY no room in bed. Chris and Buckley have taken advantage of my weak bladder and stretched out everywhere.  I pick up Buckley and put him in his crate, try to move Chris out of his sideways position, roll myself into bed, and mess around with all of my pillows for another hour.

Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. 

BEEEEEP !BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP.! Oh goody, it's time to get up again.  =/