Thursday, November 20, 2014

I don't know what the hell I am talking about here...

One thing I am not concerned with this pregnancy is what EVERYONE ELSE is doing with their pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Georgia I got sucked into breastfeeding vs bottle, non medicated vs medicated birth, who is co-sleeping,  babywearing groups were full of drama and hilarious to read, I was not going to be one of "those" parents. I swore Georgia would never watch Disney movies or wear "character" shirts, and I tried very hard to fit Georgia into my life instead of adjusting my life to her. I wanted to fill her world with my 34 year old adult tastes, which is really stupid. I didn't even want to buy a jumperoo because it did not match my decor.

After Georgia was born, Chris and I still went out to dinner a lot. Brought sleeping infant with us, had some wine....or I would still go to brunch with my friends and tote her along. I wondered why people thought it was so hard to keep up an adult lifestyle  with a child. This is easy! She sleeps all the time...I must rule or something!

How STUPID is that?  Your sleeping infant  grows into a crazy 18 month old who grabs, throws, cries, spills, ..the restaurant days are over (at least for a while).

Yes, I know. Before you become a parent you will NEVER ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO ACT LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC. Yes, yes. It is so easy, and we are all dipshits except for you who has everything figured out before your fetus is is a glimmer in your eye. I know before I had kids I wasn't really too excited to be around them, but I never had this weird hatred of "parents" that seems to be in fashion these days. Kids are not allowed to be kids in public...but that is another blog for another day.

We had to stop going out to eat for a while until Georgia was older because 18 month olds are not tiny adults and taking them out with you sucks. She is almost 4 now and she is really good if we go out, but we did have to take a break for a while. I don't know why I am mentioning this at all, but it seemed worth mentioning!

Date night was also big on my list of things to do after baby. Find a babysitter, go out with Chris or have girls night with my friends. Chris and I took turns "taking a break" and hitting the town. This was important to me, to keep up some semblance of my adult lifestyle as I entered motherhood. The responsibility was overwhelming and sometimes unwanted. I was used to adults, not children and I did not want to do child centered things in the beginning. I didn't really realize I did not want to do them, but looking back, I really did not. I mean, we signed her up for music classes and everything, I'm not saying I ran out 7 days a week for karaoke or anything, but ME time was important to ME. The transition from childless 34 year old to 34 year old mother was ...not hard..but it was not easy. It took a while for me to feel comfortable being "mom".

Now. Now that I am pregnant with my second child. Now that I have had almost four years of carrying the enormous responsibility of being a mother. Now that the exhausting lifestyle of being a parent has settled all nice and cozy into my soul, I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of this shit is important to me. Friday night: popcorn, Beauty and the Beast,playing games like "bakery" and "who stole the treasure"  and pass out at 9PM. Saturday: cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning, organizing for the week, Sunday-lay around and watch football.

This is not to say that I do not dream of going to happy hour or a concert or something that does not involve kids. I do. My sister and I have big plans to go out to a BYOB crepe restaurant after the baby is born ( "big plans' is sarcastic) and I am very excited to be out in the city, to not wear maternity clothes, and to drink a bottle of wine. But...I think I've settled into being a mom. I know for some women the change is immediate. And I feel badly that for me it was not, but it is what it is.  I still hate going to birthday parties and hopefully I will come around.

I'm not in any way shape or form "super mom". I'm pretty sure Georgia's 4th birthday will be a few friends over and pizza. I don't bake, sew, or make shit. I never remember to take a holiday card picture or to get matching holiday pajamas or to buy play elf on the shelf.

However, my daughter thinks I am hilarious and tells me all the time that I am the best mom ever. SHE thinks my crappy crafts are funny and tries to "fix" them. She teaches me french, we snuggle and cuddle and make up stories and kiss and hug and laugh, and yes sometimes argue. Sometimes she hits me and I make her apologize -just mentioning this so that everyone knows I'm not trying to make it all about rainbow clouds.

She told me the other day she was trying to make her hair look like mine because I was beautiful, and I almost died. It was the greatest compliment I have ever received because I know she believes I am a beautiful person, not in a physical way.She had no agenda, no negative motives, it was just exactly what she was feeling at the time.  I know this because it is exactly how I feel about my mom and grandmom. When I look at them I see beautiful women who make me feel safe and loved and I am beside myself that Georgia feels that way about me too, even with all of my faults. I know she will never love me in the horribly beautiful way that I love her, but we are building our bond and learning our roles, and as she is my first child, I'm letting her teach me as much as I teach her.

I'm sure when she is 16, I am going to be the lamest person she ever met, but it is important now to lay the foundation of a strong relationship, because teenagers turn into adults and they come around if the foundation is there.

So, I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about.  I guess I'm just saying...I'm growing up still even at 37 years old. Still learning and changing, but happy that I might be able to apply some of my "wisdom" to my second child. Wisdom as in, all kids are different, don't have a plan, let your kids teach you, be in their lives, mind your own business, and that happiness is a choice and a goal to work towards on a daily basis.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Be Our Guest, Be our guest!

So the baby's name is June Lenore Smith. In case you were wondering. I mean, I am 99% sure that this is her name. We have been calling her June, so I can't imagine changing it unless I get hit over the head by some name fairy telling me that there is a better name out there, but  basically this is the one we agreed on.

My first choice was actually Margot June, or Margot Pearl but Chris HATES the name Margot (sorry if your name is Margot). Like, he seriously looked ill when I talked about it, so June was our second choice. I got dibs on the middle name because he picked Georgia's middle name, Grace.

I was thinking of June Catherine, June Louise, June Pearl, but then my god-mother actually suggested Lenore as a nod to Leona, my great grandmother. That was it! I love how it flows, and I think Georgia and June are cute sister names. Done and done!

I hate when people act all smug and secretive about their baby names. Like, the reality is, no one really cares what the hell you name your kid except for the parents. I do not ever ask anyone what they are naming the baby, because people are usually so freaking weird about it. I'm just not interested in playing that game. We all have names, and your special snowflake is going to barf and shit all over you like the rest of the babies out there....even if you name it Pemberely Hatch Apple.

 Anyway, I just spent way too much time talking about names.  Glad it's over and done with!

So anyway, we were in Disney World last week. Our first time with Georgia, our first time as a family. Chris and I have gone to Universal Studios a few times, but we were  not married, no kids, so Mickey, Minnie, and princesses were in no way involved in our travels.

Georgia LOVES Mickey and Minnie. I loved Mickey and Minnie when I was little too, so...this seems normal to me, even though before I had kids I used to think Disney World was totally lame and "basic"  (BTY- I am obsessed with all things "basic" and "ironically basic". I think it is the most hilarious concept ever and I applaud whoever came up with it.) But anyway, you know my kid loves Disney, she loves princesses, who the hell am I to say she can't like what she likes because I don't think it's "cool". Like, yeah, I get all the eye rolling regarding all of the girls dresses up as Ana and Elsa, but that is what our kids wanted to dress up as. She has plenty of time in her life to have some kind of weird, ironic-yet-clever Halloween costume. I'm not pushing originality on a three year old, that is too much pressure and she'll just end up hating me and thinking I am weird.

"Mom, can I be Ana for Halloween"


That was  basically it. I'm not crafty or DIY, bought the dress at Disney Store, braided her hair and gave her some freckles. Good to go. was I talking about? OH. Disney. Right. So, before I go on you have to know I injured my pelvis/back right before we left. I mean, it was not an "out of left field" injury. My back has been bothering me ever since I had Georgia and I blamed it on the epidural. The extra weight has just made the pain a lot worse, and I think just lifting Georgia on the can, helping her in and out of bathtubs, sometimes carrying her around in the morning, just made it too much to handle and last Thursday at work I just stood up, and my knees buckled from the pain and I started crying.

I had a rather traumatic/sad experience in the neonatal ER which I am not ready to write about, but MY outcome was pelvic injury, crutches and the need for physical therapy. BLAH. So off to Disney we go!

Georgia was super excited for the plane ride....for everything basically. The first day we got there we did a few rides in the Magic Kingdom. When we got there I immediately started crying because I wished Jill and my grandparents were there.I was just feeling so nostalgic and hormonal, and I have always gone to Disney with Jill and my just busted out with some tears and Chris just did the slow walk away/side eye until I composed myself.

The days at the parks were tough for me. I had to sit down a lot and I had (braxton hicks) contractions almost every night around 7PM. We only went for 4 days which was seriously enough for me. There were some families that were staying for two weeks!! I have no idea how. The parks are $100  a day per person! Not not to mention breakfast, lunch, dinner, and you have to get souvenirs of course! We brought our own snacks to munch on through out the day-string cheese, clementines, waters, saved $$ there and our resort had a cafeteria so we ate breakfast and dinner there most nights.

We did do one lunch at the "Be Our Guest" restaurant, and it was so freaking stupid and lame I highly recommend NOT EVER GOING THERE. It was too crowded for what it was, which was a glorified expensive cafeteria. The Tusker House lunch at Animal Kingdom was yummy and Georgia loved meeting all of the characters, and Chris and  I really liked Epcot so there was something for everyone. I wished I was not so tired/injured for the trip, but of course when we planned it I did not know I was going to be pregnant, so I just tried to suck it up and have a good time. Even though I am fat, injured, and I can't drink.

"I'm having fun. I'm having fun. I'm having fun."

Have I mentioned that it is really hard to be married? I got depressed a few times during our trip because Chris and I bickered a lot over stupid things like, "who forgot the water bottles" Or if we were not arguing, our conversations consisted of, "These BLT waffle fries are really good." I made a huge effort to be friendly towards the end, and so did he. I know marriage is not always roses and chocolates, and at this point we are so caught up in being good parents, I am caught up in my pregnancy... I feel like we forget that WE are also important.  So note to self, need to work on that.

When we left Disney we went to Chris's parents house in Jacksonville FL. We got in about 9PM and I was feeling SOOO BAD. Like, horrible. My back felt like it was on fire,and I was having serious GI issues as in...major pregnant diarrhea. It was bad.  I would have a contraction and then BOOM. It was so horrible I also felt like I was going to puke all over myself, the contractions were on top of each other, I was sweating and crying, sitting on the can. Finally it was sort of over, and I could get off the toilet but I could only lay on the floor. I called to Chris that I thought I should go to a doctor, my poor mother in law was laying on the floor with me...good times. I'm getting an epidural when the baby comes. Who the hell am I kidding with unmedicated birth? I could barely stand 30 minutes of fake contractions.

We went to the doctor and basically they were like, you should not have gone to Disney World, you should not have gotten on an airplane, you should not do this, not do that...the placenta previa played a big part in why they were so annoyed with me, and the doctor put "bed-rest" on my discharge instructions, but I think she just maybe meant for the rest of the weekend.

After that episode, I have decided that it is pointless to try to be glamorous during pregnancy. I think I just don't care. I wake up every morning feeling like I got run over by a bus, the extra weight is killing me so much more than my first pregnancy and I am not much bigger. I mean, really I have only gained about 15lbs. So I am 115lbs. I don't understand why I feel so huge and horrible, That isn't even big! Blah. So anyway, no more heels. My mom bought me a pair of "sensible flats" and I guess I can wear my riding boots or UGGS, and that will be that!

Tomorrow I will call the physical therapist and see about starting sessions. There is definitely a back injury. I keep hoping it will go away. Sometimes it feels normal, but ultimately the pain always comes back and takes my breath away. I can't believe I have three more months of this shit left. It is a good thing baby June Lenore is so awesome. I would do it for 12 more months if I had to. I love her so much.She is a crazy baby who has a party in my belly 24-7 and I can't wait to kiss her!