So I'm in the shower at 5:15AM this morning trying to figure out what is so great about being a parent.
I'm in the shower at 5:15AM because darling daughter decided at 3:30AM that, "Hey servants! It's time to get up!"
I tried everything I could to get her to go back to sleep.
"Me rock-a-bye" (that means rocking chair) We go to the rocking chair. Rock for 1.2 seconds.
"Me head in mommy pilloooowwww" We go to the bed, I try to lay her on my pillow. Lasts less than 1 second.
"Me go Gee-Ga's hooooouse."
Translation: Gee-ga= Georgia. Gee-Ga's House=downstairs in our house. I have no idea why she calls downstairs "Gee-Ga's house" but whatever. That's what it is. And anyway, um NO we are NOT going downstairs at 3:30AM. People are still coming home for god's sake! I am not waking up before professional partiers go to sleep!
Temper tantrum ensues. I lay with her on the floor. Chris is somewhat helpful. I give up. Chris takes her in her room. I am not helpful at all.
The much hyped phrase, "Go the F**k To Sleep" enters my mind.
I get it.
I wonder why people become parents. I wonder what the point of parenting is. I wonder why so many people can't wait to have these small crazy people run their lives. I wonder why I didn't notice I was out of shampoo.I wonder why I say to people that becoming a mother is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Because falling asleep in the shower blows.
While not rinsing and repeating, I think of the pumpkin patch. And how I always thought that going to the pumpkin patch with your kid ( or anywhere that you would never go without a kid) would suck. And how much it didnt' suck. I thought of how excited she was to see pumpkins. And how she picked out her own two pumpkins to take home. And how proud she was that she picked them out. And how she freaked out over the chickens and goats and said, "Hi Chicken. Hi Goat. Me Gee-Ga."
I thought about how she loves to tell me her numbers and letters because she knows I will be proud of her. How she caresses my face and says, "Nice Mommy". How we eskimo kiss, and how she pretends to fall down so I can act all wacky and yell "MY BABY FELL" in a southern accent.
And how she grabbed me by the knees and said, "I yuv you mommy. Awwww mommy"
I don't understand how anything that sucks so bad can be so wonderful at the same time. I'm exhausted. I'm a bag of nerves.I know I am going to worry the rest of my life. I go to sleep at 7:30PM almost every night. I haven't read a book in 19 months. My husband and I literally have been out alone about 4 times together... A wedding, 2 dates, and a Bruce concert.
Yet I would crawl through fire for my child. I love her with my whole entire heart and soul. I think about not having her, and I die inside.
If someone else told me about my own life, I would tell them NO THANK YOU.
But I feel like I am the happiest I have ever been. Except when it sucks. Which is a lot of the time. I don't get it.