As I like to say, thanks to facebook, pinterest, twitter, whatever else is out there, the new parents of today are charged with hyper focusing on making our kids lives magical. Crafts, DIY, themed birthday parties, only clothes from etsy, start them in classes at 2 years old...the list of "good mom requirements in 2014"  goes on and on and on. It is exhausting, and also really fucking stupid that I feel like a bad mom because I did not put my daughter in her St Patrick's Day pajamas ( since when is it a real kids holiday, anyway?)

The straw that broke the camel's back (me being the camel)was Georgia's 3rd birthday party which was going to consist of 20 kids, arrival of disney characters, tatoos, face painting....you catch my drift?

It was going to be really awesome to put on facebook through instagrammed pictures! Look at what a great mom I am!! My kid has characters at her party! I was getting so caught up in everything that I just forgot who I was. And who I am not is a competitive asshole parent, so I gave myself a quick kick in the face and cancelled everything.

Georgia had a small party at my parent's house.

I'm sure she thought it was magical. Or really, who knows what she thought? I have no memories of until I was around 4 or 5 years old, so I don't even imagine that she will remember the party, magic or no magic.

But that isn't the point now, is it? I wasn't doing the party for my daughter, I was doing it for myself. Remind me to never throw a birthday party for Georgia for myself again. If she asks me for a big whoop-dee-doo, sure I will help her with it. But  this birthday party was not coming from a good place in my soul. It was competitive, it was forced, and I was teaching my child that events had to be grand in order for them to be great.

Magic comes in all shapes and sizes, and places, and colors and people. It can't be created through pajamas, or cakes, or decorations. In order for something to be truly magical, it needs to come from an organic space that created itself.

If my kid gets used to a big "to-do" for every holiday, for every day of life, the real magic of the world will never astound  her because she will be to busy waiting for someone ( parent, friend, boyfriend) to create it. It will become expected. It will become boring. She will become boring. I don't want her to be a person who waits for magic to be made by other people. I want her to experience it organically and to find it herself.

On Mother's Day, my sister Jill and Mason slept over. My husband made us breakfast and bought us flowers and a card. It was nice.

We decided to take a walk. We put the kids in the strollers, packed some snacks, and headed to the Art Museum.

Side note: the Komen Race for the Cure took place that day. The elitist dickfaces in my neighborhood are complaining this week because the helicopters woke them up too early on Mother's Day. Can you even imagine???? Anyway...

We discovered the "sculpture garden wall fountain" which I had never seen before. Two fountains covering the walls of a concrete lookout to the river. No one was there. It was super quiet and lovely and we decided to sit on the blanket and have our snacks. Georgia asked if she could take off her shoes and put her feet in the water along the wall. Mason wanted to do the same.

Soon Georgia's dress was soaked so I just took her dress off. Jill took Mason's shorts and shirt off and all of a sudden it was like they were FREEEEEE.

They ran back and forth between the two fountain walls over and over again in their undies, screaming their faces off with happiness. Sometimes they held hands, sometimes they grabbed each other and hugged, sometimes they ran alone. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. For over a half hour!

Everyone who walked by laughed and yelled, "That looks like so much fun!" It was fun to watch. Georgia and Mason in action together! It was weird too, I felt like I was floating on a cloud of happiness.  Two kids overjoyed with life thanks to nothing but sunshine and water.

This is what being a kid is about. This is what we loved about being kids. They might forget the memories but they won't forget the feelings of experiencing,  living, creating,and laughing.

So much better than waiting for me to do something awesome. Sitting on the blanket and taking a step back was the most awesome thing I did that day!  I am done with themed pajamas.

So I started pinning stuff for Georgia's next birthday party,  Georgia did not have a real birthday party this year because I was too busy.  It occurred to me that I never posted pics of her first or second birthday parties. I really don't post any pics on here because I'm sure the three people who read this blog are my facebook friends, but anyway, in order to get myself motivated for this partay These pictures remind me of how bad I sucked this year. I will show you some pictures from the last ones.

For her second birthday, she kept telling me she wanted a "green" party. That could mean a lot of things, but as she was only turning 2, I decided she meant the color green. The only request besides green was that we get a Minnie Mouse cake, so it was pretty easy. It was right after St. Patrick's day so all green decor was cheap!

For her first birthday, we decided to to " Georgia in ONEderland theme and have a mad hatter tea party. It was totally adorable.  look.

I have no idea how to lay out these pictures nicely...so whatever. You get the point. I had a first and second birthday party for my kid.

 I had planned to go all out, I had a contract sent to me for Mickey and Minnie to come to the party, tattoos, games, dancing, face painting...the works! And then all of a sudden I had this moment of OH MY GOD WHO ARE YOU???!  It's a fucking three year old birthday party. Get a GRIP. So-we just had spaghetti and cake at my mom's house. Actually, I wasn't even there. I was in a wedding. Which by the way was 100% fine with me as I told my friend. You only get married once. My child will have lots and lots of birthdays.

So anyway, Minnie Mouse plates, Minnie cake, my mom got some cute decorations. BOOM. Done. Happy Birthday kiddo!

Also, can we talk about cleaning? I am so sick of doing CHORES. But like, when you are an adult they aren't chores, right? They are just part of life? Laundry HAS to get done...the word "chore" to me sounds optional. But optional or not, the other night I opened the dishwasher to put my plate in it, saw that everything was CLEAN and promptly lost my shit because I had to empty the dishwasher. " I"M SO SICK OF DOING SHIT!!!" I screamed at no one. Chris was looking at me...like he usually does...and I am just like freaking out and refusing to empty the dishwasher.

I just want to be FINISHED, but there is never a finish line in sight. There is always absolutely something I could be doing. Cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the stairs, cleaning the microwave, cleaning out the fridge, mop the floor, wipe the woodwork, dust the fans, organize my basement, organize the closets, look under my bed and see what is living there...the options are ENDLESS I tell you!

All this talk about cleaning makes me want to share the fact I am really struggling with the decision to have another child. I don't want there to be any more work. I also don't ever want to give birth again, but that is not what is keeping me from making the decision. I loved having a baby of course, but those first few months brought me to my knees and I really am not interested in all that again. Not to mention the financial responsibility of having two children is enormous and it weighs heavily on me.

I'm not one of these ladies that is happy wearing old dirty clothes and smelling like baby puke.  I still like nice things. I  can't run out and buy them at the drop of a hat in one big ol' shopping spree like I used to, but treating myself is still manageable.

I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that  I KNOW I am selfish, and the reason I do not want another child is because I do not want to change my standard of living, I do not want to do extra laundry, I do not want to breastfeed or have third degree vaginal lacerations, or have my hair fall out, I don't want to get fat, I don't want to not sleep, and I want to have the financial freedom to give Georgia whatever she wants. ...like within reason. I'm talking about soccer lessons and stuff. Not taking her shopping at Tiffany's.  AND I want to enjoy life too.

Who am I convincing here? You? Myself? I think I'm trying to convince myself. There is just one minor problem with my argument to myself.

When I picture Georgia as a big sister, I cry.  I cry because I know she will be amazing. I cry because I know that without my sister I would probably be dead. And then I want to punch myself in the face for thinking that  less laundry, and a non violated vagina, and Tory Burch are more important than  giving her the experience of a sibling.

I know what your thoughts are. "A sibling is the greatest gift"... "I have two children and it is wonderful"
 "No material object replaces the relationship of siblings"..."Your vagina will sort of look normal after your second baby"

I get it. I get it. I do. So that is not what I'm looking for.

I'm looking for someone to tell me that they were scared too. Because I don't get that from anyone. I just see people having second and third  kids and looking so happy and I am starting to feel like a freak. I am TERRIFIED of having another child.

 It  is not because Georgia is a bad kid. At all. She is a sweet, kind, good mannered, talented, smart, beautiful girl. She was an "easy" baby as far as being an easy baby goes, and she has been a pretty easy toddler and pre-schooler. A few "time outs" in her life...3 of which she put herself in, so my terror does not come from the fact that she personally is hard to deal with.

It's just all the other crap that goes with it. What if  by 7:30am I have to put TWO people in snow gear, boots, car seats hats, gloves. "MOM I HAVE TO PEEEEE!!!" ( this really does happen), in the biggest polar vortex blizzard the earth has ever seen? THIS is the shit that freaks me out. The double duty. this winter getting out the door every morning totally blew, and it will blow even more if I have two kids.

Does this make sense?

I hope you enjoyed my post about birthday parties.