Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Pale Shadow

Saturday morning I'm laying in bed, I think it was around 6AM or 6:30AM. Georgia is awake and cheerful as usual.

"DADDYYYY!! IS THE SUN UP?"  SHe jumps out of the covers and climbs up on Chris. ( yes she sleeps with us). I'm still shocked! 

"Yeah Georgia, the sun is up!" Chris says back to her.

"That means it's AWAKE TIME! HORRAY!"

I'm just laying there like, OMG I could sleep for 5 more hours. This day can't be this exciting yet. Blaaahhhhh. Chris then asks Georgia if she wants to go downstairs, and surprisingly I hear her say, "No, I want to lay with Mommy. 

Awwwww, how totally adorable.


 My eyes are still closed but I roll over for a little snuggle time. We were just laying there and I'm thinking she fell asleep. I feel like I am going to fall back to sleep, when all of a sudden I feel her little hand on my face. My eyes pop open and Georgia is GAZING at me. I mean like the most loving gaze that has ever looked upon these jaded eyeballs, and then she whispers, " Mom, you are my best friend. I am so proud of you." 

I was just...I can't even explain it. 

Okay, I am going to try to explain it.

Now, one would think that after an encounter like this with my two year old that I would have died and gone to heaven with Georgia... floating away on a cloud of love, with ice cream, unicorns, and glitter shooting out of our butts, but I actually experienced the opposite. 

It was like a cold bucket of TERROR had just been dumped over me and I wanted to grab her and put her in a little bubble that only I had access to. I wanted to save her  from everything. From growing old and dying. I felt sad and guilt ridden that I brought her into this shitty world,and terrified of the hurt and heartache she will undoubtedly encounter. 

I love Georgia so much that I want to die. It aches, it hurts, it terrifies me, it makes me feel out of control, and sometimes I can't breath.  I have no idea if other parents go through this feeling if crazy, but im guessing yes. It actually really sucks. 

To help me cope, I have to look on facebook and see pictures of my friends "being normal" with their children, or walk to the playground and be around other parents who are not standing guard ready to battle any raindrop or wind gust that dares come near their child. 

My importance in her life weighs heavily on me. It's huge to me.  It's the biggest deal ever. 

Everything about being a mom, from my positive pregnancy test, to this feeling of terror, has totally stunned me. At one point in my life I thought I did not want children. 

Um...Yeah ...so that was right up until I got that positive pregnancy test. 

Anyway, maybe being unprepared leads to these out of control feelings? 


It's so scary...raising a child. I'm just one  ripped open, vulnerable, mess of a woman. Like, in an instant I became everything I spent years protecting myself from becoming for anyone. 

I can't think about it often. But I do sometimes. 

Do you?