I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World

So. I did not get the Bright Start Activity Jumper Pretty in Pink , or the Fisher Price Rainforest Jumperoo for Georgia. Nooosireeebob. As soon as I got to the "jumperoo section" of Target, I was all of a sudden in some kind of  weird mommy-mode. Think of Frankenstein. Or Mr. Hyde.  I twitched three times, and all of a sudden I was like 'MUST...FIND...BIGGEST... JUMPEROO, WHAT-IF-HER-NON-EXISTANT-BABY-FRIENDS-COME-OVER-AND-LAUGH-AT-THE-LITTLE-PINK-JUMPEROO? MUST...GET....BIGGEST....ONE. 

Yeah, super gay. But anyway we picked the baby Einstein Musical Motion Activity Jumper. Not the most expensive one or anything. It was around $90, but it seriously looked like the most fun out of all the jumperoos! OMG-am I really having this conversation with you?  Ugh. Yeah, anyway it was straight out of babies-on-acid or something (does that make me sound cooler?). It was so craaaazy looking. I quickly got over the decor issues, and decided that this was the perfect one for Miss Thang.  Here is a picture of all of my baby shit in my living room. That is my sweet nephew Jules testing out the jumperoo for Georgia.



Please excuse this photo of me. I look horriffic.

AAAAALL that stuff is Georgia's. OMG how did babies SURVIVE in the 70's ( I say 70's because that is when I was born) without this crap?

No wonder I am so mentally messed up. I didn't have a Baby Einstein Musical Motion Activity Jumper! GOD MOM!  You must not love me or something. You probably let me play with knives! Just kidding.I know she didn't let me play with knives. I was barely allowed to touch anything. I know for a fact I wasn't allowed to use those little plastic scissors when I was in kindergarten. We ( Jill and I) were going for our kindergarten orientation or whatever, and the principal was like, "Okay twinnies, you can go play arts and crafts while I talk to your parents."  Jill and I look at the arts and crafts center, look back at the principal and say in stereo, "We're not allowed to play with scissors."

OKAAAAAAY. Losers. We also hated baby dolls because we were jealous of them. We did like regular dolls though. Just not babies. I loved my Annie doll...and my Annie wig. I would seriously wear the big, red Annie afro outside, and sing and shit and try to get the neighborhood kids to be in my musicals. They were all like, "um, no way freak." Humm..and we always liked Barbie.

I really don't have a problem with Barbie. She is fit, and so what if she has a boob job? And really, as a child I never even though twice about her figure when I played with her. I thought she was pretty, her best friend was Teresa, and she had a kid sis named Skipper (whose boobs were NOT big) and a cool pink car. And a horse. And a hott boyfriend.  Seems fun to me!

I know that as a mother to a little girl, it is my responsibility to teach her not to be obsessed with looks, and pink, and shit like that. There are all kinds of articles out these days about how if your daughter likes princesses as a little girl, she is TOTALLY going to be working the poles as a young woman so STAY AWAY FROM PINK!

Here is my thought on this. When somebody starts telling our little boys that they can't like blue, to stop playing football and toy trucks, and to make them go to ballet class instead of soccer-then I'll listen to these stupid people and their hatred for Barbie. But until the  little boy/girl gender  argument is equal...blah...sorry. I have ZERO interest.

There is nothing wrong with being interested in fashion, hair and make up. Do I want that to be Georgia's only source of happiness? No, absolutely not. But I don't find it necessary to cut it out of her life either.  Fashion is fun!  And seriously, Barbie is smart AND fashionable. She is a pediatrician for God's sake! SHE IS HELPING CHILDREN! LOOK!



If  Georgia comes to me one day and says, "Mom, I want to paint my room black, pierce my nose. And oh by the way, this is my new girlfriend, Jane,"  I will buy black paint for her room, and invite Jane over for dinner.  I might tell her  that the nose ring looks stupid, depending on the size and everything, but she can still pierce it if she wants.  I do not expect her to be the most popular-pagent star-with-the-quarterback -boyfriend type of gal.  But also, if she likes Barbie, I am not going to make a big stink about it. I liked Barbie.  And just because you like pink and barbie  and cheerleading doesn't mean you are automatically a vapid bitch.And just because you like fashion doesn't mean you are stupid. I've known some really ugly people who were NOT into fashion at all who were really stupid.  And I've known some really mean girls who played other sports besides cheerleading. And of course, I have known girls who like pink and who are vapid and bitchy.

Spoiled, bratty, bitch, stripper comes in all shapes, dolls, colors, and sports. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi!

So Little G can now roll from her stomach to her back, and then back to her stomach. She is so smart. I am arranging a meeting with the Princeton Admissions Committee as we speak.

Ugh. Okay. I know this makes me sound like a total asshole, and I admit that this is really selfish and snobby... but I can't STAND how tacky and ugly all of the baby gear is. Like, it makes me want to hyperventilate .  Seriiiiiously! I've been avoiding buying a jumperoo or exersaucer because, well, they are SO UGLY! I can't stand looking at them. I hate how they look in people's houses, and specifically, I hate how they are going to look in my house. I have not even looked at one for Georgia because when I see them they make me feel like bugs are crawling all over me or something.  But now our baby doc says she is ready to jump and exercise to her heart's content, so I am going to have to take the plunge.

My living room is already becoming baby central. When I was pregnant I was like, "None of this shit is  going in my beautiful Anthropologie decorated living room!"  Baby toys will not match my beautifully painted walls (colors consisting of "Haunted Melodies" and " Medium Terracotta" )  A pack and play does not belong near my magazine worthy mantel, decorated with faux Pottery Barn flowers, various Lenox ...um...crap, and airbrushed wedding photos of moi-captured forever in  Monique Lhuiller picture frames!

 Joking. Sort of.  But seriously, I like for everything to have a cohesive look. I have really worked hard at styling my house, and the exersaucers that are out there, are just, um, no. They look like rainbow bright took a shot of jager and them vommed all over everything. I was searching and searching yesterday for a nice "neutral" colored exersaucer, but was then schooled by my mommy friends on facebook that " THE BABY LIKES PRIMARY COLORS, DUMBASS!"

Of course this makes sense. I'm sure I am not the only mom who thinks they are ugly, and doesn't want them in their house. Of course there HAD to be a reason that EVERYONE had these ugly pieces of plastic in their living rooms. I guess I am just going to have to get used to the fact that for the next few years, primary colors are it, yo.

I don't mind the stuff that is lying around right now. I've gotten used to it. There is a pack and play (a very nice neutral brown color), her swing which is "sea green" (remember that crayola color?), and her play mat which is light pink, sea green, and a yellow color that reminds me of spring and bunnies and shit.  Her little bouncy chair is a nice light pink, and  her little toys are all mostly white and pink. Okay, I can handle light green and light pink. I can handle the fung shui of my furniture getting  "out of order"  for her swing and chair.  They are nice, calm, colors, and Georgia always looks very peaceful in all of these apparati.

Peaceful or not, I will have to deal with the exersaucer/jumperoo/whateveritis. The two that I find the least offensive  are the Bright Start Activity Jumper Pretty in Pink or the Fisher Price Rainforest Jumperoo .

Which one is uglier?

Shut up already

Okay, so, am I missing the big deal about baby wearing? I didn't realize it was a "thing"  that people who are into "natural" parenting do? Why is baby wearing considered part of natural parenting? And why is there such thing as natural parenting anyway?

I baby wear, I love it and think Georgia loves it to, but can someone explain why other mothers use baby wearing to define their parenting style? It's just a mode of transporting your kid. Just like cloth diapers and disposable diapers are there for your kid to poop in. Why do people make it into a big fucking deal? Blaaaaah. Baby wearing ( wait, I didn't even know it was called this until three months ago) seemed like a great idea to me because I watched my sister Caitlin do it with her three kids. She quietly takes care her babies without all the bells and whistles that some women seem to need around them at all times. LOOOOK I BREASTFEEEEED! NOOO DON"T LOOOOK !YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY! YOU HATE BREASTFEEDERS!  LOOOK AT ME I CO SLEEEEEP!! LOOOK I'M A BETTER MOM BECAUSE I MAKE MY BABY FOOOOOD! LOOOK HOW ALTERNAMOM I AM BECAUSE MY BABY IS IN A SLIIIING. EVEN THOOOOOUGH EVERYBODY WEARS THEIR BABY IN A SLING.

 It's like certain people NEED everyone to know what the fuck  kind of diaper their kid poops in. They are the most vocal about how they parent AND the most judgmental even though they blab and blab about how they are being judged. But god forbid you whip out a can of formula. They remind me of hipsters. And whatever, I am going to try to make Georgia's baby food, so I'm not against making baby food or anything. And I'm not against any of these things. But like, SHUT UP about it. Nobody cares where your baby sleeps!

Have a great day everyone!