So they all rolled over and one fell out..

(This was published 6/21/2011 but written on 6/17/11)

Georgia ROLLED OVER! I can't believe it. Not in the "I'm -crying -I -cant -believe -my- baby -did- it" can't believe it. But the "holy- shit- why- is -this- going- so- fast" can't believe it. Rolling over wasn't even on my radar, and Wednesday morning I walked in her room and she's on her tummy, pushed up on her elbows, little head wobbling and looking right at me. My Aunt Pat (her nanny) said she was rolling all over the place that afternoon, and now she just won't quit.

I took the bumpers off of her crib, bought breathable ones, removed all blankets and crib friends from her crib, and for the past two nights I've gotten up about 7 times to fix her, because when she rolls over she gets stuck and can't figure out how to fix herself, and she does this pathetic little whimper. "MOMMY IS COMING MY LITTLE DARLING!!!" God, I love her.

Chris, of course, sleeps right through it. In fact, this morning he was like "Wow, she slept great last night!" Uh....no...I was up like 7TIMES MAKING SURE SHE WASN"T SUFFICATING! blah. I'm terrified of suffocation. Terrified of SIDS. Terrified of choking when we start solids. I don't know how people get through this.

So anyway, I'm at work today and I start to feel a dampness on my boob and I realize  that I forget to put on my boob pads! When you nurse, your boobs leak, hence the boob pads. I've been wearing them since Georgia came home. And I've also been wearing these fugly nursing bras because the cup is so thick, and you can't see the pad through it. It's soo annoying. Also annoying is when I came home from the hospital my boobs were about a C cup, and now they are down to a big A, small B depending on the bra, so the nursing bras are too big. I'm so tired of my body changing. I just want it to NOT DO ANYTHING!  Yes, I know I have to stop nursing if I want this to happen. I guess it isn't that bad.  Really, nothing is as bad as the huge ice pack pads you have to wear on your crotch after you give birth. I mean, that was the WORST. I wore the ice pads for about a week, and then had to wear these giant diaper pads for like a month. So in addition to the breast pads, it was a lot of padding, bleeding, and milk leakage. Sorry if this is TMI, but I really didn't know all of this before I had a baby. I feel like someone should have told me! I guess i should have maybe KNOWN, it makes sense, but I wasn't prepared for how much it would suck. So if you haven't had a baby, be prepared for the month after the baby is born to suck. (In regards to the aftermath of birth on your body). Every time I would get in the shower, my boobs would spray milk everywhere, every time I heard a baby cry, they would leak. Actually if I even thought about nursing, they would leak. They have totally calmed down over the past few months-but every once in a while there is milk leakage. That is why I still wear the pads. I can't believe I forgot them this morning. Luckily, my mom is going to go to CVS and get me some so I don't have to walk around like a 13 year old with tissues in my bra.

Sooo...oh-my first wedding anniversary is this weekend! CRAAAAZY-what a year! I feel like I haven't seen Chris in MONTHS-even though we  are married. It's just everything we do, we do for Georgia. We do nothing  for ourselves, we have not been out alone since she came home, and sometimes I just basically feel like we are roommates taking care of a baby. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't pay enough attention to  him-not that he has said anything at all about it. Maybe he feels guilty for not paying attention to me. I don't know-we haven't really talked about it. I'm not mad or anything. It's just that Georgia is the main focus right now. She is an infant, and we have to be at her beck and call for now. Honestly, having a little child is so much work ,that I really haven't had time to reflect on my first year of marriage. I was pregnant as soon as we came home from our honeymoon. It's been baby, baby, baby, ever since. I think we are a good team, and right now our main focus is our little lady. When I DO have some down time, I just want to go to sleep. I know this totally sounds shitty, and if you don't have kids and you love your significant other, I'm probably not convincing you that kids are the way to go. Well, I'm not really trying to do that anyway. If you don't want kids, don't have them because it is HARD. But I can say, that I don't mind all the work, because when she smiles at me it doesn't even matter. That sounds SOOOO gay and corny, but it's true.

When I think of true love, I no longer think of romance and soul mates. I think of Georgia. When I hear a love song, I think it's ABOUT Georgia and me....even thought the love part at this point only goes one way. I know she trusts me, and knows who I am, but I don't think she is madly in love with me. Or will ever be madly in love with me. How many of us were ever madly in love with our parents? Uh... I would venture....none of us.  Yes, we love our parents, and we want their approval and to make them proud, but that is different from what I am experiencing with Georgia. I'm sure the love changes as your child changes. I'm pretty sure my parents hated me when I was 16-but right now, I love being in love with her! I don't know. I don't even know what I am talking about. There is just so much fucking LOVE sprouting out my being that I need to write about it. I don't care that I was wide awake at 3AM this morning because I'm checking all of the rolling over action. I don't care that Georgia cried eighty million times for her binky last night. I don't care that I am missing out on fun events because we can't get a babysitter. The only thing I care about is my sweet little Miss Georgia.

Please don't think I've become a total lame-o. Even though  I know I would if I was reading this about someone else. I don't know if the fact that I am totally aware of how annoying I sound makes it any better. Probably not. Anway, before you send me a link to lame.com, I want you to know that I am looking forward to our good friends' wedding tomorrow night. Majojo is babysitting. I'm getting a new dress.  I'm so excited for our friends to get married! It will be our first big night out since...humm...our wedding last year? WOW.

Keeping you abreast of the situation...

So, let's talk nursing. 

First of all, before I got pregnant, I never realized it was such a HOT topic, that is, nursing vs formula feeding. I just thought that people did whatever they wanted in regards to feeding their kid, and went on their merry way without giving a thought as to what OTHER people are doing.  I was wrong.

Natural birth vs epidural, circumcision vs intact penis, cloth diaper vs disposable, binky vs non binky, breast milk vs formula-get in a discussion about anyof these topics with another mother, or mother-to-be and be prepared for WWIII! For some reason, other women REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR CHILD! It's so stupid. Ugh, I could go on for days about it.

But anyway, back to nursing. I have heard so many nursing horror stories. Babies not latching, low milk supply, starving babies, sore, bleeding cracked nipples, breast infections, not to mention you are just kind of trapped for the first few months because you are the only source of food that the baby has. It sounded hard, it sounded scary, it sounded like nothing I was interested in. I do have friends who told me that they loved nursing, but the bad (in my mind) outweighed the good and I was ready to formula feed. Be warned: There is a serious campaign out there that says BREAST IS BEST (which is true) and there groups that try make you feel like shit if you decide you want to use formula instead of breast milk...for whatever reason. They are not open minded at all.

Now, there are women out there who are dead set on breastfeeding. They will do whatever it takes, pump 24/7 to get their milk supply going, nipple shields, lactation consultants coming to the house-they will go through hell to get their boobs to work correctly, and while I commend them for their dedication, to me, it wasn't that important. But just know that it is very, very important to some people.When I was in the hospital with Georgia the nurse asked me about my birth plan, and how I was going to feed the baby.

'We are going to formula feed" I said while in labor, wondering why the fuck she was asking me this right now-I knew where the conversation was going.

"Well, you know, breast milk IS the best for mommy and baby. We recommend that you breastfeed at least while you are in the hospital. You should be informed before you make a decision.

"I am informed. I want to formula feed."

"Blahblahblah, bleebleebleeblooblooblooo" was all I heard. I SO did not want to have this conversation.

"Okay fine, I'll give it a whirl." I yawn. I'd been up for HOURS.

"Well, if you want to do it, you have to be 100% committed, it can't be something that you just "try" she says back to me.

UM. WTF? I don't WANT to do it-you are sitting here making me feel like shit, and I'm saying I'll do it so you shut the fuck up.

"Okay, I'll try" I say again. For some reason this seemed like a good answer to her, even though it was the same one I gave her 15 seconds ago. She happily writes in my chart that I now plan to breastfeed.

I was so annoyed. Chris was also really pushing for me to breastfeed, and really, the more people told me I HAD to do it, the more pressure I felt, and the less I wanted to.  I was mad that the nurse was making me feel bad while I was in the middle of labor (which consisted of me playing on facebook and watching TV-how dare she!) Soo anyway, labor and delivery roll around and Georgia is on my stomach looking for a boob. She was rooting like a champ-like she had known how to root her whole entire life! (haha get it-it's a joke)

The nurse gave me the hairy eyeball, so I put her on my boob. Georgia latched right away. She looked at me. I looked at her.

"Huh." I thought to myself. Okaaaaay, absolutely not what I expected.

So when you first have your baby, your milk doesn't come in for a few days. The baby is getting stuff called colostrum. It is VERY good for babies, helps their immune system get strong, helps them with their first poop, contains antibodies, clears bilirubin (or however you spell it), helps their digestive system develop. So anyway-that's the scoop on what baby is getting before the milk comes in if you decide to breastfeed. it is great for them. I knew all of this prior to my decision to FF by the way, I didn't learn this in the hospital. Since she latched so well, I thought to myself 'Well, I'll nurse her so she gets this colostrum business, and then start her on formula when we get home."

I nursed her the entire time I was in the hospital. And let me tell you- in the beginning breastfeeding is HARD even when it's easy. It's really hard, it's emotionally draining, your nipples bleed and crack and hurt. It (to me) wasn't this beautiful natural thing, but I continued to do it because Georgia was having such an easy time with it, and I felt very guilty not doing it, even though I didn't want to.  It's also weird to switch your feelings about your boobs. For the past fifteen years, I've used my boobs to get free drinks. They were there to look hott in shirts, and to be all perky and to make forty fifty year old women jealous. Now they were someone's LIFE SUPPORT. It was just so strange. I felt like a cow. In a way I was almost mad that Georgia latched, because now I felt like I HAD to breastfeed. I wasn't mad at her-I don't know, it was probably a weird hormonal thing I went through because I realize how stupid it sounds, and I knew it sounded stupid while I was thinking it.

My second night in the hospital was crazy. First of all, my body was in PAIN from the birth. That second night I felt like-I don't know, just ragged and beaten. I was in SO much pain,  and so,so sore. Chris had gone home that night to stay with Buckley, and also he had been sleeping on a chair for the past two days, so I wanted him to get some rest before we brought Georgia home. I had been taking ibuprofen, but I asked the nurse for a percocet because the ibuprofen just wasn't cutting it. So I'm all whacked out on the perc, and Georgia was STARVING, STARVING, STARVING. It is hard work being born! I nursed her all night long. I cried all night long. I felt so alone, my body ached and I didn't know if it was normal to hurt that much, or if something was wrong with me.It's so overwhelming. Nobody helps you with anything. Your body goes through this crazy, yet amazing trauma, and they just give you your baby and you are supposed to know what to do. I mean, I guess i instinctively knew what to do, but, I don't know. It was very scary to me. A new baby. My baby.  Anyway, my boobs felt like they were going to fall off. I didn't want to put her in the nursery so I could sleep-I felt like a horrible mother if I did that. So she just nursed, and nursed, and nursed, and I cried, and cried, and cried. At 5AM when the nurse came in to check on me, I asked her to bring me a bottle to feed her. "I'm so exhausted, I just can't do it anymore" I cried to her.

"Let me go get one of the lactation consultants," she says. (They are there at 5AM?) If I had had any strength I would have punched her in the face. Instead I just start sobbing. "Just please just bring me a bottle. I need a rest. You can send the lactation consultant in later in the morning. Please, I just need to rest from this. I don't want to hate breastfeeding, but if I can't get a break, I'm going to hate it."

I guess this made sense to her, so she brings me a bottle of premade formula. Georgia scarfs it down. I am thankful for the break. Next round, I am back to breastfeeding.

I used this method my first month of breastfeeding. Chris would do one formula in the morning at 9AM.It was great because it gave me a physical and mental rest. Basically I was feeding her ALLLL DAAAAAY.  I felt so weird and awkward. I went to a breastfeeding class in my neighborhood,  and all the mom's were like lounging around in overalls with their boobs out, talking about cluster feeding and a bunch of shit that I had no idea what they were saying. The leader of the meeting was a crazy hippie lady and I think if she could have breastfed herself she would have, and they were all just way too into it for me. I didn't want to make breastfeeding my identity. If you do-you should go to this meeting. It just wasn't for me.

Every day I told myself, "I am going to stop tomorrow". Then tomorrow would come, and I would say "Well, I can do it another day"  I did it through the bleeding, sore, nipples, I did it even though my boobs were leaking like niagra falls (it took me a while to find breast pads I liked. For breastfeeding, I recommend every product from "lansinoh" including their breast pads.) I bought nursing bras and tops to make my life easier. I forced myself to try different nursing positions around the house, and not just the most comfortable one. I swear the one bottle of formula a day got me through it. And Georgia liked the formula just as much as she liked my boob. Yes, breast milk is better, but formula isn't bad. And she looked at me EXACTLY the same whether I was breastfeeding or formula feeding. Her cute little eyeballs just stared into mine...now, it IS adorable when she pats and rubs my boob while I'm breastfeeding, but she also pats and rubs the bottle so I'm pretty sure it isn't out of love for her mommy. haha!

So during this time I'm thinking to myself  "What am I going to do about going back to work?" If I don't pump, I am going to have to start weaning my boobs. You can't just stop cold turkey. If your boobs aren't used to going eight hours without breastfeeding, you will pay for it in engorged boobies. Ow. I decided to eliminate one breastfeeding a week, and replace it with the formula, and I bought a little hand pump to pump out just a little extra milk if I was getting engorged during this process. Breastmilk is all about supply and demand. I secretly planned to be  not breastfeeding by the time I went back to work-but didn't tell anyone.

During this time of getting my boobs on a schedule, something weird happened. I started to LIKE nursing. Like honest to goodness "I cant wait to nurse my baby" kind of like. And THEN, I started to LOVE it.  I felt like it was very special. I was still totally fine with giving formula, but all of a sudden breastfeeding wasn't a chore anymore. I wasn't resentful and mad. I didn't care that I was wearing ugly nursing bra's and breast pads. I was just like "whatever!" I could walk around my house while nursing Georgia, I wasn't "chained" to the couch. I was comfortable nursing her outside of the home if I had to (but I usually scheduled events around her feedings so I didn't have to nurse in public. It's just not for me-It has nothing to do with anyone seeing my boob. I can't explain it. If you want to nurse in public you have my support 100%) It was nothing! Nooo problem! 

By the time my maternity leave was up, we were on this schedule:  5Am-nurse, 8AM-bottle, 11Am-bottle, 2PM-bottle, 5PM-nurse, 8PM-nurse,11PM-nurse-sleeps until 5AM nurse, rinse and repeat. Since I've gone back to work that schedule is pretty much almost the same. Sometimes I nurse her in between feedings just for the cuddles. I think my plan is to be (by the end of next month) down to one nursing session a day, and to just keep a trickle of breastmilk going incase she ever gets sick or dehydrated. I don't want her to get too attached to my boob when she starts to realize what it is, and I don't want weaning to be too hard on her, so I think this is the best way to go.

So that is my story about breastfeeding. My opinion on feeding babies is that a happy mommy=happy baby, so do whatever it is that makes you feel happy.  Doing both made me happy. Nursing is really hard. Your baby is loved if you breastfeed or formula feed, and isn't really going to give a shit how you fed her when she was little.  Seriously. I doubt the conversation will even come up between her and her friends. "We can't hang out with her..she was FORMULA fed."

See how dumb that sounds?

Workin' Nine to Five...

11 weeks PP! Go me! I've been doing 8 minute abs, and I seriously did not look like this two weeks ago. I still don't look like I did before I got preggers (obviously) but I think I'm on a roll!

I know it seems stupid for me to want to lose every pound of baby weight, since my pre prego weight was barely 100lbs. I just don't think any girl likes to gain weight, whether she weighs 100lbs or 1000lbs. It sucks to have your body change so much. I'm used to looking a certain way, and I want to get back to that.

I actually don't mind the extra weight-it's just that I still can't fit into a lot of my regular clothes. I never realized how small I was. I mean, I know I was skinny, but um... This weekend I tried on one of my skirts and the zipper BROKE, the back of the skirt ripped, and I am 103lbs right now. WTF?!  And some of my really straight dresses, um..no, not right now. I AM sort of liking my new hips, and I definitely look better in jeans and pants. My boobs, however, are another story. I can probably kiss those cute puppies goodbye due to nursing. They don't look too bad, but what perk was left at 33 years old has left the building. Booo! Now if I can just get rid of the squishy part of my tummy I will be a happy camper! The weight came off MUCH faster than I thought, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

So, I went back to work last week.  I had this vision in my head where I tear up and sniffle while saying goodbye to Georgia, and maybe softly cry to myself a few times during the day, and that would be that. I really thought this is what was going to happen,  so I wasn't dreading returning to work. WOW! I was so WRONG!

First of all, I woke up and I was SHAKING like a crackhead going through withdrawal. I mean, I think maybe I felt like one. I picked Georgia up to change her and started freaking out. "Something is wrong! We have to take her to the hospital! She is sick!" I'm seriously screaming this at Chris, who is looking at me like..well, like he usually does. Like I'm a retard. That's so not PC to say, I know. I'm sorry if I offend anyone. I am really not trying to insult retarded people. Unfortunately that and "gay" are staples in my vocab, even though I love gays and people with disabilities. Just like Lady Gaga. Okay fine, I will change it. He is looking at me like I just said I won a math contest . He's all, "What the hell?"  I'm just standing there at the changing table, crying my eyes out. I hand Georgia to Chris, and I lay down on our bed all curled up in a ball, totally sobbing. I can't even believe I'm acting like this, Chris is trying to calm me down-he brought me a glass of water and rubbed my back and everything. I'm just crying and thinking that the shower seems too far away from Georgia, and I have no idea how I am ever going to get through this day. I asked Chris to bring her downstairs so I could attempt to get ready for work, I mean, I couldn't even LOOK at her without busting into uncontrollable sobs. It was bad, ya'll. Really, really bad.

The weird thing is that I have left her before. One night she had a sleepover with MaJoJo so that I could go out with my friends. I left her at my mom's house. Overnight. It was still hard, but I wasn't crying or anything. I did actually almost cry as we were leaving when my nephew Rocco yelled frantically out the window, " AUNT TT! UNCLE CHRIS! YOU LEFT YOUR BABY GEORGIA HERE!"

Rocco thinks I'm such a horrible mom! I did miss her while I was out, but I didn't have any kind of freak out. I think part of me feels guilty, because I probably COULD stay home, maybe, but I'm not sure that I am cut out to be a stay at home mom. So I can't have my cake and eat it-it's one or the other. Anyway-back to the melodrama.

I couldn't change her, I couldn't kiss her, I couldn't look at her when I walked out the door. I cried all the way to work and for most of the morning. By the afternoon I was doing much better-it was great to see all of my peeps at work, and also to get dressed up and not look like the sweatpants-swamp- monster- from- the- garbage -can. It gets a little easier each day-well, it's not really that easy so I guess I should say I am doing better with leaving each day. I still miss her. I love that little thing so much. This morning I was dreaming I was giving her kisses, and when I woke up I was kissing my pillow! HAHAHA! Wouldn't you dream of kissing this cute little face?
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Georgia on My Mind

Wow! It's been two months since I birthed the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life! The weeks have flown by, and I am seriously getting the hang of this mom thing. I mean, I don't 100% feel like a mom yet. I still sort of feel like the babysitter actually. And sometimes I look at my little Georgia and I get totally overwhelmed by the fact that..um..she's mine.....FOREVER!  Like, overwhelmed in a bad, full of anxiety way. Not, like, the bursting with love overwhelming feeling. It's just this sort of scary feeling that makes me dizzy and crazy feeling.  Hopefully in the coming months, I will not feel like a mommy imposter. Granted, an imposter who is doing a great job, but still an imposter.

But let's not focus on that. Let's focus on the LOVE!  THE LOVE! Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with love for her that I think to myself, "What have I done?" You can't protect your heart from your baby. It's impossible. My heart is now an open target to be torn out and broken. When you open yourself that much to a person,  when you allow yourself to be that vulnerable to hurt,well, that is true love.  I'm doomed.

 

It also helps that she is an excellent baby. First though, believe me when I say, I was ready for IT ALL! For sleepless nights, uncontrollable screaming, for Chris and me to be fighting nonstop, pots overflowing, curlers in my hair to match ugly pink robe (?), a telephone cord wrapped around my body (not that we have a telephone with a cord, but this was part of my maternity leave nightmare). I thought we were going to be eating microwave popcorn for dinner, I thought I was going to spend all day crying. I was prepared for the worst.

 

"The worst" is not the case at all. First of all, Georgia is a great sleeper. Even when we had to feed her every two hours when she first came home-she just ate and slept. We slept. It was hard, but not too hard. Nursing was working out( I'll post about nursing later). I wasn't prepared for the projectile poo and the amount of diapers that went with it, but it wasn't such a big deal. I managed to conquer the projectile poo with a homemade diaper shield-you just figure it out as  you go! I also took all cues from Georgia and kind of let her guide me. A baby knows what she needs, and will let you know. I fed her on cue and let her sleep on cue. I wasn't too concerned with "a schedule" the first month. Maybe it's not for everyone, but it works for us.

 

I don't really know what the main focus of this particular post is. I'm just saying-life is great! Everything is great. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's totally different. I am in Georgia's life, she isn't in my life. Everything I do, I now do with her on my mind.  My days of sitting at a bar, carelessly ordering a dirty martini are over. I have to be responsible... because if something happens to me, what happens to Georgia?

 

You know how you have to adjust when you have a dog? Imagine that times like 20 zillion,billion. I've never felt responsible for much. I mean, yes, I pay bills, yes I get up for work, but this responsibility is no match for getting to work at 8AM. It's crazy. But I love it. The big smile at 4AM is so worth it. SOOO worth it.