Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Chicken Dance

Before I had Georgia, I rarely thought of children.

. Generally speaking, I did not hate them, I did not love them. When they were loud in restaurants I thought it was annoying, but not annoying enough to get mad. I can't remember ever judging a parent for anything, or even thinking about parents. I never tried to imagine what it was like to be a parent.  I know a lot of people without children who absolutely can't stand children and think parents are one step below Satan, and that is fine, but I was not like that either. Kids were just a non issue to me on either end.

So now that that is out of the way...I have to say that AS a parent, I am very thankful for Georgia's support group. Her grandparents,cousins, aunts, uncles, and her teachers. I am happy she has so many great role models in life and I am proud that she is getting to know and understand that there are all kinds of personalities in this world, that everyone treats you differently, and I'm sure this will come along handy later in life.

So what do these two things have to do with each other?

Well, my answer is ...I'm not sure. I have been childless and never around children, and I am now a mother and around kids um, like ALL the time.

I have not, however, ever been childless and around children for the majority of the time. It must be weird, to be around kids all the time, but not really know what it is like to have your own child. There is nothing wrong with this. The caretakers of our kids are important. I absolutely adore all of the teachers at Georgia's school, and I jump to their defense whenever parents complain about stupid shit like school closing, or snack time and I've prided myself on not being THAT PARENT who thinks that all other people are wrong when it comes to my child. I welcome advice, look for it often, and I am grateful when I receive good advice from anyone..children or no children. I am good natured and receptive to others.

At least I THOUGHT I was...until I wasn't.

Last week I became so enraged and fuming fucking pissed off at one of her teachers. I was so angry that I shocked and startled myself. I literally had to give myself a time out think about what actually happened instead, so I could stop mentally cursing this woman out for the rest of my life.

The morning in question, it may have been a Monday morning...well, it sucked as all Mondays do. Chris brought me my coffee up before he left and I took a few sips and wandered downstairs to try to play with my poor attention starved dog.

Actually I didn't get a chance to wander ALL the way down the stairs because all of a sudden I hear G scream, "WHEEEEERES MYYYY DADDDYYYYYYY""" Like it was a  nightmare scream of terror.

She is going to be pissed that he is not here. I can't believe she is up so early. OMG how am I going to get ready for work?

Basically, I was fucked.

I go into my room and she is all mad because Chris isn't there.  "I WAN'T TWO NEXT TO ME! WAAAHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH!!!!".(When she says she wants two, that means she wants both of us with her. It's sort of cute, except when one of us is not there.

It took me 15 minutes to calm her down. That is my shower time. We go downstairs.

She won't let go. She wants me to lay on the couch.

Tick tick tick tick....6:50am. I get her milk and try to get her to eat breakfast...tick tick tick tick...7am

"I HAVE TO POOOOOOP!" she cries.

OMG. Poop. Poop is a big deal in our house, basically because Georgia is constantly constipated and it takes a REALLY long time for her to go once she has decided she is going.

"Okay, G. You try to go while I take a shower"

"NO HOLD MY HAND" she is like screaming again at the point, so we go upstairs. I turn the water on, like thinking maybe I might get in there, and try to get her settled with my ipad and some m&m's. Yep, judge away people. I need to be out the door by 7:50am!

Okay. Ipad. This seems good. I jump in the shower and try to get down to business

"MOMMMYYYYY" AAHHHHHHHH!!!" she is screaming again. I jump out, shampoo is in my eyes, one leg shaved, only one tiny towel to be seen and I try to wrap myself in it, so my neighbor can't see me through our bathroom window that has yet to be covered by a curtain, shutters, blanket...anything.

"Mom sit with me. Hold my hand. It hurts. Can I have apple juice. Mommy mommy mommy....."

tick tick tick 7:15.

I just need to rinse my hair. Forget the other leg! I go from shower to bath and stick my head under the faucet.

Okay great! I guess I'm done.

 Still no poop. I tell Georgia that I'm really cold and I need to put on some clothes. She tearfully allows me to exit. I run upstairs and grab a dress. It's actually easier for me to put on a dress, because thinking about matching a pair of pants with a top and shoes is like too much...but I look dressed up because I'm in this black dress. I throw on pearls and I'm like laughing at how non dressed up I should look, but seriously black, dress, black, tights, black shoes. DONE BITCHES. I should be going to some type of fancy fundraiser. I give Georgia my make up brush and promise to buy her make up when she is 13 if she lets me put on make up for 5 minutes. I sort of finish,and then decide I'll do the rest when I get to work. Dry hair for 10 seconds. twist in bun. still no poop. I look okay.

I sit down with G, and hold her hand. and thank the fucking lord after like 30 minutes there is poop.

'Mom I feel better!"

yippee skippy. Now I have to dress her. "

"Not that, not this, where are my light up shoes, don't brush my hair, WHERE IS DADDYYYYY"

tick tick tick 7:40am. Finally dressed. her hair looks like a rats nest. Oh well.

"MOM HOLD ME HOLD ME!!'  She is crying again. I pick up my child and kiss her.

Jackets, boots, hats, lunch, homework, let dog out, turn down heat, does dog have water, why am I sweating like a sumo wrestler in a sauna? OMG.

"MOM I WANT TO BRING A TOY TO SCHOOOOLLLLL" Okay. Grab the fucking toy. Great! We are ready!!

My grandfather drives us every morning. This is the biggest blessing of the day, otherwise we would be taking the bus. Her school is right on the bus route, and it's fine in the nice weather, but damn in this snow if would just be like one other obstacle.

I sit in back with G and I start to cry. I suck at life.

Georgia seriously took my hand, I have no idea why.  I looked at her and thanked the stars for sending her to me. It was a rough morning for both of u, but damn I love her.

"I'm not going to cry today mama," she says bravely. She is a trooper

We get to school. I carry her in. She is like clinging to me. She wants me to walk her in the playroom and I of course did.

"Good Morning Georgia!' says teacher brightly.

Georgia doesn't look up, and just grabs me tighter. This morning sucked, I don't always want to be talking at her or telling her what to do, so I ,as the mother, decided to let this isn't the time to discuss manners with her,
and I just answer " Good Morning Miss (insert teacher name)" for her.

"GEORGIA. WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE SAYS HELLO TO YOU?" teacher says in Georgia's face, for my benefit.

Da fuque?

Did she seriously just do that?

I am overcome with rage. I want to grab this lady and shake her. And maybe punch her.

Does she know what kind of morning we have had? Does she know that Georgia tried to take a crap for thirty fucking minutes? Does she just think I am a rude bitch and I don't know how to correct my child? Does she know what it's like to have to get a three year old out the door before 7:50AM. NO SHE DOES NOT.

She just woke up, skipped out of her goddamn house and decides to start correcting my kid and me at 8am. I am like totally fuming all day. Fuming mad, embarrassed, and still upset over the morning we had.

I didn't WANT to correct Georgia. It wasn't the right time. And if this woman actually understood children, maybe she would look at my daughter, and see how she wasn't her usual sunny self, and maybe instead of being a childless know- it-all sticking it to mom, try something along the lines of, "Georgia, what's wrong? Come give me a hug"

But she doesn't know. She has no fucking clue. And no masters degree is going to help her.

A small part of parenting is about teaching manners, but there is also the part where you have to understand when to pull back. Constant correcting is tiresome, and I stand by my  decision. It was not the biggest decision I have ever had to make, nor is it the most important. But there, at that moment, I felt it was important give Georgia a break.

I'm pretty sure all of the teachers at Georgia's school think we parents are all a bunch of crazy chickens without heads. And...um...they are right!

I also have been given the  tools to understand that there are all kinds of personalities, everyone is at a different point in life, and I understand that moms are judged a lot.

I am not going to be mad at the teacher.  She loves Georgia. Probably thinks I'm a dumbass, but whatever. I forgot her coat yesterday, and she looked at me like a nun who was just offered cocaine. Sometimes I AM a dumbass.

Georgia is going to be in school for the next 16 years. This is going to happen a lot. My parenting skills will come into question often, and I can't spend my energy being angry at everyone. So I am going to make an effort not to waste my energy on the little things. If I pretend to switch places with this woman, who has no children, but has a masters degree in child education, I see why she did what she did, and thought what she thought, and judged the way she judged.

I am not mad. I am headless chicken. Hear me squawk, bitch.