Wednesday, December 31, 2014

32 week update brought to you from my couch

I went to the doctor on Monday to check out my placenta, and unfortunately it has not moved enough for them to advise a vaginal delivery. The nurse was ready to set a date for my c-section, and I basically begged her for one more ultrasound before scheduling. She was so nice, and said she did not see why we could not do another ultrasound 36 weeks.  She spoke to the doctor and he said that would be fine, but if it was still in the same place I will have a c-section at 37 weeks.

I am at all of this. I'm trying not to be a big baby about it, and if it happens then I will go into it with the best attitude I can muster up, but it just all sounds horrible. Like, if it were just a c-section with no placenta previa I would feel a lot better, but the risk of hemorrhaging, blood transfusions etc..  because of my fucked up placenta is like too much for me to deal with. I don't want to have a c-section and more importantly, I don't want to have one with a medical complication.

I've reached out to a bunch of friends who have had sections, and they have given me great advice. I now have a list of questions for my doctor next week when I see her. I didn't even know what I should ask so now I feel a bit more informed

I guess I'm sort of doing a birth plan. I don't want to be totally out of it during surgery. I  would like to try to nurse immediately after (baring no medical/placenta complications) and some friends told me this was possible and that they did it, so I feel a bit better knowing this is at least somewhat of an option for me. I was told to get a tummy band, ask for glue and not stitches, walk around as soon as I can, what type of tea to drink for gas bubbles ( or something-I'm still confused about the potential gas thing) , and different ways to keep the incision site comfortable and pain free.

I've also gotten really stupid advice like, "You will not love your baby any less if you have a c-section" and things of that nature. F you. I'm not an asshole. I just don't want my stomach cut open for major abdominal surgery and to be bedridden any longer than I need to be. It has nothing to do with loving my daughter. AGGHHHH. That actually gets me fired up, so I will stop thinking about it.

As placenta previa is an extremely seriously medical complication during vaginal birth, I am very thankful that there is another option. I really am. I'm just super scared and disappointed. My birth with G was easy I think as far as birth goes. I pushed for 21 minutes and was walking around, showering, shaving my legs within an hour or two. I just want that to happen again. Wah.

So anyway, in other news, life is getting difficult. I'm basically a pretty useless person these days. Being home for the holiday break is actually much harder than going to work. At work I sit at my desk and occasionally get up to go to the bathroom or something. At home I'm trying to clean, vacuum, chase dust bunnies, laundry, keep up with my's exhausting. It usually takes me about 2 hours to clean my entire house and Monday it took me ALL DAY to just straighten up and vacuum downstairs because I kept laying on the couch and falling asleep every 20 minutes.

My insides are so squished that I don't even feel like eating, but I'm forcing food down my throat because I feel so bad for baby I'm starving her or something. Reflux is terrible, I can't breath, ligaments feel like they are being ripped apart, and at the ultrasound the nurse confirmed that the baby is all over my bladder which is super annoying and painful, no to mention that (like her big sister) June is an extremely active baby and kicking the crap out of me even though she is only 4 lbs. Braxton Hicks contractions are in full swing, and this month I can't wait for my face and legs to get all swollen and gross looking because of all the extra fluid in my body.

Yippy Yay! Now the fun really begins!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

complain complain complain at your own risk!

I am 30 weeks this week and so freaking miserable I can't even stand to listen to my own inner monologue. Wanna know why? Because it is this all day.










See? This is how I feel all day. I want to just sleep and forget that all of this is happening inside my body. My stomach feels like it is in my throat, my enormous boobs feel like they are being cut open with knives, headaches, reflux, gas.

I can feel feet, elbows, head down, kick, kick, kick...I just feel like it is way too early for all of this. I still have 10 weeks to go, 10 lbs to gain! The stupid thing is that I have only gained 20 I am 120 lbs. That is not heavy. So why do I feel like a giant whale when I try to walk up the steps, or down, the steps, or anything?!

Today Chris and I were making breakfast and I was just bumping into everything. My equilibrium is all of, I don't know how to balance myself. I was bumping into my husband, the refrigerator, chairs, oven, dog, counter. I wanted to scream. I had a major meltdown around 2PM today because I just could not get the sheets on my bed and I just started crying.

I hear my 3 year old Georgia say to Chris, " Dad, just leave her alone. Sometimes girls need to cry." And that made me cry harder because I feel like I have been totally neglecting her because I am so exhausted. I just pass the F out on the weekends, and stay in bed if I can because life is just too hard to live. I hate going places, I hate talking to people, I hate zippering my coat, I hate putting my shoes on, I hate maternity clothes. I hate all of it. BLAH.

And the worst part is,  I know it isn't over when the baby gets here. I have to deal with all of that postpartum bleeding, leaking, spraying, hair falling out bullshit that no one ever talks about. I'm scared I'm going to have post postpartum anxiety again, I don't want to be covered in vomit for a month. The sleep part I don't care about because I basically stopped sleeping 4 years ago when we had Georgia. I'm like always listening for her, even when she is in our bed, and I have had major insomnia for the last 12 weeks, so being up at 3AM with a baby just doesn't seem that bad to me. At least I will be useful to someone.

I think that is the other issue here. I feel so useless. I feel like a bad mom and wife. I just feel like crap.

Oh,I had a re-check on Tuesday from my hospital stay the week before.  I woke up last week to blood all over the place, and was admitted to the hospital for two days. Good times. I was fine, the docs are worried about my placenta previa. I go on 12/29 to determine if I am going to need a c-section or not, so that is like freaking me out too.

I do not want a c-section. I do not want my abdomen cut open. That just sounds so horrible to me, AND not to mention I watched a c-section on youtube and wanted to die while watching it. I know millions of people have them, but I would just rather push a person out of my vagina, thanks. Neither option is appealing, but out the vag is the lesser of two evils in my book. So anyway, I am mentally preparing for the c-section which is stressful AND if I do get one it will be at 37 weeks which is all the more upsetting but I understand medically why it has to happen. Yes, I understand medically why it has to happen. Research has been done by me. There is no way to move the placenta yourself, and the risks of the c-section are way less than the risks of me hemorrhaging and bleeding out and dying if I try for a vaginal birth with a placenta covering most of my cervix.

So anyway, I go to my recheck and I saw a new doctor who I have never spoken to. He was nice, got me an appointment afterwards to get my flu shot and Tdap vaccine, said the baby sounded good and whatever. Then at the end of the appointment he goes, "Okay you're all set kiddo!"

Kiddo? What the what? I was so stunned I couldn't say anything.  I'm sorry, it's really stupid to call a 37 year old pregnant lady "kiddo" I was so mad for some reason.  (Uh..probably because everything is making me mad?)

 Anyway, then I go the nurse for my vaccines and she lifts up my sleeve to do the shot and says, "Oh you are so cute, I should use the little baby needles for your arm" and she's talking to me the entire time like I'm a kid. She asked how many kids I was planning on having and I was all like, I'm getting a tubal after this one lady, and she got genuinely concerned for me and started talking about making that type of decision...  Finally I'm like, "I'm 37 years old and I don't want to be pregnant when I'm 40" and she laughs in my face and said she thought I was 22.

First of all, is anyone looking at my freaking chart?  I AM OF ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE! You people couldn't shut the fuck up about it at the beginning of my pregnancy. But now that the baby is almost here, no one is looking at anything, and people think I'm like on my way to try out for 16 and pregnant. This is not the first time this has happened during my pregnancy, and for most of my life in general people have always thought that I am 10 years younger than I actually am, which is super dandy at my age, but doctors and nurses should not call pregnant ladies kiddo, or say they need a baby matter how old they are.  I am growing a person, there is  nothing babyish about it.

So. This is where I am mentally. I suck at being pregnant.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Short update

I have been hit with every third trimester symptom known to woman, except for birth itself.

Contractions? check!

Unbearable pelvic pressure? check!

Lower back pain? check!

Acid reflux that feels like fiery thorns coming up my throat? check!

Bleeding? Yep!

Shortness of breath, leaky boobs, insomnia,  major fatigue, cramps...all here and accounted for! Yippee!

I've been in touch with my doctor about everything, and spent two nights in the hospital to monitor the bleeding and my placenta previa. I received steroid shots in case June Lenore decideds to come early. They will help her lungs, as the lungs are the last organ to develop on the baby.

I don't think I can do this for two more months.

I mean, actually I CAN and I will, I just don't want to. Or not event that I don't want to, I need baby to stay in here as long as just seems..the next 10 weeks are going to suck I guess.  Blah.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

No crib for a bed...

So with Christmas right around the corner, I've been thinking a lot about how I choose to celebrate the holiday with my daughter and how I feel about religion, and basically what is my responsibility as a parent regarding spirituality, religion, church and all of that stuff that I really don't feel like thinking about.

We don't go to church. I grew up Catholic, went to church every Sunday, went to CCD every week, but I don't practice now. I like some stories in the bible and I think many of them have good lessons that can be applied to my life, but I don't take them literally or think they actually happened.

The last time I did go to church (maybe it was a catholic wedding mass?) I did not take communion because I felt like it would be fake for me to do so.  I formed this opinion on my own without any outside influence, and basically I have been very happy with the idea that spirituality, goodness and grace can be found throughout the universe and not necessarily though God or Jesus. (I don't think they created the universe either, in case you are inclined to ask WHO DO YOU THINK GAVE YOU THIS UNIVERSE TO PUT ENERGY INTO. So. No.  This is not a debate on religion. I'm no debating it.)

Anyway, I work hard on putting positive energy back into the universe too, so that anyone who is looking for it or needs it may one day come across some of mine. I think that when I die I will be reborn as myself with a better understanding of how to balance my karma and learn from my mistakes, and finally when I reach a state of nirvana I will turn into a purple puff of energy that will positively surround my loved ones existing on earth. POOF BITCHES.

So anyway, Christmas.

Georgia is SOOO excited about Christmas. She says it is her favorite holiday, she loves the trees, the songs, the lights, presents of course. Of course we do the whole Santa Clause thing and she loves Santa and he's going to eat milk and cookies...blah blah blah. Actually it's pretty fun, but I DO feel very guilty about lying to her about this guy, and even guiltier when I say things like, 'Let me brush your hair or I'm calling Santa!"  And she looks at me with eyes full of terror, and then obediently stands in from of me so that I can brush her hair. Seriously, it breaks my heart, but damn our mornings are so much more productive now that the big guy is "watching".

So I was thinking about all of this this morning while trying to find a pair of pants that will fit my pregnant ass and then, all of a sudden I was like, "Why do I have absolutely no problem telling her about a fake man breaking into our house and eating our food, but I have a really big problem with telling her the story of baby Jesus and how Christmas came about?  And I'm just talking about #basicbitchchristmas too. Like, I know Jesus was actually born in April or something, and the story isn't the "real" story  and all of that. But that isn't what I mean.

I'm just talking about the story about the manger, wise men, donkeys,virgins, and a peppermint latte. It's sort of a really nice story  (except not really because who the hell wants to give birth in a barn in December, and why is that innkeeper such a dick?) . But the point is, I loved it when I was little. Although now that I am older the virgin part pisses me off, because WTF a woman who has sex or is sexual is not worthy of birthing the son of God? What fucking dipshit man made that up? Fuck you.

Anyway, and then I realized I am giving her absolutely no choice in the matter of religion or spirituality. I'm not even giving her a starting point. She can't choose whether or not to follow religion because there is no choice to make. We just don't talk about it. And a lot of people love religion and I am totally cool with that, and if Georgia one day wants to decide that religion is important in her life, who am I  to deny her of that?  So, I will be buying a book about Christmas day, away in a manger, some candy in wooden shoes,  and teach Georgia about Linus's very important Christmas message while I decide what to do about all of this.

Anyone else in this boat?