I am 30 weeks this week and so freaking miserable I can't even stand to listen to my own inner monologue. Wanna know why? Because it is this all day.
OW.
OMG OW
WFT OW.
WTF I CANT WALK
I CAN'T BREATH.
WHY DOES MY CROTCH FEEL LIKE IT IS GOING TO FALL OUT?
FREDDY KRUGER IS RIPPING MY BACK IN HALF WITH HIS CLAW.
MY LEGS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE BEING SNAPPED IN HALF AND SET ON FIRE LIKE LITTLE TWIGS.
GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING CAKE BITCH.
See? This is how I feel all day. I want to just sleep and forget that all of this is happening inside my body. My stomach feels like it is in my throat, my enormous boobs feel like they are being cut open with knives, headaches, reflux, gas.
I can feel feet, elbows, head down, kick, kick, kick...I just feel like it is way too early for all of this. I still have 10 weeks to go, 10 lbs to gain! The stupid thing is that I have only gained 20 lbs...so I am 120 lbs. That is not heavy. So why do I feel like a giant whale when I try to walk up the steps, or down, the steps, or anything?!
Today Chris and I were making breakfast and I was just bumping into everything. My equilibrium is all of, I don't know how to balance myself. I was bumping into my husband, the refrigerator, chairs, oven, dog, counter. I wanted to scream. I had a major meltdown around 2PM today because I just could not get the sheets on my bed and I just started crying.
I hear my 3 year old Georgia say to Chris, " Dad, just leave her alone. Sometimes girls need to cry." And that made me cry harder because I feel like I have been totally neglecting her because I am so exhausted. I just pass the F out on the weekends, and stay in bed if I can because life is just too hard to live. I hate going places, I hate talking to people, I hate zippering my coat, I hate putting my shoes on, I hate maternity clothes. I hate all of it. BLAH.
And the worst part is, I know it isn't over when the baby gets here. I have to deal with all of that postpartum bleeding, leaking, spraying, hair falling out bullshit that no one ever talks about. I'm scared I'm going to have post postpartum anxiety again, I don't want to be covered in vomit for a month. The sleep part I don't care about because I basically stopped sleeping 4 years ago when we had Georgia. I'm like always listening for her, even when she is in our bed, and I have had major insomnia for the last 12 weeks, so being up at 3AM with a baby just doesn't seem that bad to me. At least I will be useful to someone.
I think that is the other issue here. I feel so useless. I feel like a bad mom and wife. I just feel like crap.
Oh,I had a re-check on Tuesday from my hospital stay the week before. I woke up last week to blood all over the place, and was admitted to the hospital for two days. Good times. I was fine, the docs are worried about my placenta previa. I go on 12/29 to determine if I am going to need a c-section or not, so that is like freaking me out too.
I do not want a c-section. I do not want my abdomen cut open. That just sounds so horrible to me, AND not to mention I watched a c-section on youtube and wanted to die while watching it. I know millions of people have them, but I would just rather push a person out of my vagina, thanks. Neither option is appealing, but out the vag is the lesser of two evils in my book. So anyway, I am mentally preparing for the c-section which is stressful AND if I do get one it will be at 37 weeks which is all the more upsetting but I understand medically why it has to happen. Yes, I understand medically why it has to happen. Research has been done by me. There is no way to move the placenta yourself, and the risks of the c-section are way less than the risks of me hemorrhaging and bleeding out and dying if I try for a vaginal birth with a placenta covering most of my cervix.
So anyway, I go to my recheck and I saw a new doctor who I have never spoken to. He was nice, got me an appointment afterwards to get my flu shot and Tdap vaccine, said the baby sounded good and whatever. Then at the end of the appointment he goes, "Okay you're all set kiddo!"
Kiddo? What the what? I was so stunned I couldn't say anything. I'm sorry, it's really stupid to call a 37 year old pregnant lady "kiddo" I was so mad for some reason. (Uh..probably because everything is making me mad?)
Anyway, then I go the nurse for my vaccines and she lifts up my sleeve to do the shot and says, "Oh you are so cute, I should use the little baby needles for your arm" and she's talking to me the entire time like I'm a kid. She asked how many kids I was planning on having and I was all like, I'm getting a tubal after this one lady, and she got genuinely concerned for me and started talking about making that type of decision... Finally I'm like, "I'm 37 years old and I don't want to be pregnant when I'm 40" and she laughs in my face and said she thought I was 22.
First of all, is anyone looking at my freaking chart? I AM OF ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE! You people couldn't shut the fuck up about it at the beginning of my pregnancy. But now that the baby is almost here, no one is looking at anything, and people think I'm like on my way to try out for 16 and pregnant. This is not the first time this has happened during my pregnancy, and for most of my life in general people have always thought that I am 10 years younger than I actually am, which is super dandy at my age, but doctors and nurses should not call pregnant ladies kiddo, or say they need a baby needle...no matter how old they are. I am growing a person, there is nothing babyish about it.
So. This is where I am mentally. I suck at being pregnant.
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