Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Georgia is turn...

Georgia is turning 1 year old in 2 months. I am totally beside myself with excitement for the future, with a dash of  sadness because ...well...where is my little baby going?

 I seriously always thought it was stupid when parents said things like that. I would be all, "DUH-your kids grow up dumbass, get over it" and get annoyed by the whole thing.  I totally didn't get it-but then, as a woman who had never had a child, I really should  not have been expected to.

So, what is this "it" I speak of? I don't know if I can put it into words. I think "it" is the big frying pan of love that smashes you in your face as soon as you have your baby. I remember when I took her home, the thought of her turning 10 months old made me sob. I would miss my teeny tiny infant. And now when I think about her being a toddler, I want to cry because I will miss my little baby. And I'm sure when she is a toddler I will think about her being a big girl and I will cry about that too..it goes on and on I guess, although I don't remember my mom ever getting very emptional about me growing up. Obviously, Georgia will not remember me crying over her now too small "coming home from the hospital outfit", but I can still see myself crying when she graduates 6th grade, so IDK, I think I'm just destined to be one of those sobbing mothers.

But anyway, crying aside, a first birthday party is in order. I don't really want to have anything big. I'm just not up for it. As long as she has a cake to smash around, we should be good. In some respects, I think I'm a great mom, but as far as sending cards,pictures, parties... things like that-I suck. I did not do those Christmas cards that everyone does-the baby looking adorable in some type of Holiday ensamble sitting under the tree, or in a quaint little park filled with snowflakes-parents gazing adoringly. Nope-coudn't get it together for that. Maybe next year. I thought i would be all over that shit. Didn't happen.

The other things that has suprised me about myself is in regards to G's wardrobe. When I was pregnant, I KNEW I would not accept hand me down clothes. I was totally against it, thinking that I could provide for my own child, and that she would  be dressed in her "Sunday Best" every single day. Sure-dumbass. There is a reason why other mom's do not do this. You are not the only clothes loving mother who has ever had a child.

 Picture this. A dress from Janie and Jack. $80 dress for a 2 month old girl. Cute matching bloomers for $10, $20 baby headband, and $10 baby tights. I forget how much the shoes were. Anyway this one night we go out to dinner for my cousin's graduation party. I put Georgia in her Academy Award worthy get-up from Janie and Jack, not really thinking anything of it. I always overdress, why should my daughter be different?

As soon as we get to the restaurant she pukes all over both of us. I only have a minor freak out. It can be wiped off! The Janie and Jack dress can be salvaged! I take her to the bathroom... lo and behold! A changing station! This will be easy peasy! It is my first experience at the "changing station".  Little did I know.

I'm trying to wash her dress, and keep her from falling of of the changing station. OMG WTH!! Riiiiiiip! She busts ass like nobodys business and I smell a funk so bad, I thought I was going to pass out. Poop. She freaking pooped. Ugh. I lift up the dress. There is shit EVERYWHERE. How did this baby make that much shit? It was all over her tights, all over the shoes-I rip them off, take off the diaper-all of a sudden the poo is flying out of her like a machine gun. OMG! SHE IS POOING AGAIN! DUCK! I'm avoiding poo spray, trying to hold her on the little changer, trying to fish the wipes out of the diaper bag, now there is shit all over her dress, she throws up again. I'm like what is samhill is going on? it was all so fast! I'm also traumatized because I actually saw the poo come from her butt and for some reason that really made me feel sick. The Jack and Janie dress is my last concern, as I try to change Georgia and clean the bathroom of the projectile poo. Then she pees everywhere. I thought people peed before they pooed? Now there is PEE all over the changing table and on the floor-I'm practially SOBBING at this point-I have no idea what to do. I did  not bring myself a change of clothes-I'm wearing a white top, I'm holding wipeys, my hand is on Georgia on the changing table, there is pee all over everything now. What the fuck?

I was ready to take my white top and turn it into a surrender flag full of poop, when thankfully, my cousin walked in the bathroom. 

 "Can yo go get my mooooooooom" my 33 year old self sobs to my 17 year old cousin. Meahwhile Georgia is just sitting there drooling like a mental patient. UGH!

So anyway, my mom comes in and helps me. And that was the last $80 dress I bought for Georgia. It is hand me downs from now on people!  no bows, no tights, no nothing. Girlfriend is destined for a life of second hand baby tracksuits and I am okay with that!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Waav. True Waav.

I am woken up by little sounds. Little sounds that fill my "new mom" soul with relief that everything is okay. At 6AM on the dot, Georgia Grace is telling us that she's hungry. I sit up and peek in her room. 

She doesn't cry really. It's kind of a whiny noise.  Chris gets up to make her bottle. We take turns- I did it yesterday morning, so it's  his turn today. We've gotten good at this parenting thing. He goes into her sweet pink room, and I hear the cheerful "Hiya!' come from my little baby's mouth in between hungry whines. She now knows that "Hiya" is a proper greeting, that we clap when she says it, and she loves nothing better than to get us to clap and praise her when she does...just about anything.

It's our usual morning routine. She has her baba in bed with me, while Chris walks Buckley. I feel guilty for half a second that Chris has to walk the dog in the freezing cold while I get to snuggle with our sweetie, but as soon as she turns towards me, my guilt is replaced with glee, and I kiss her cute little face, and feel proud that she can now hold her baba herself.

Her adorable eyes are open. I wonder what she is thinking about. We smile at each other. She gulps, gulps, gulps like a big girl. I decide she is probably thinking about food, while I am thinking about love. I compare her to Buckley. Then I uncompare her to Buckley. Then I remember I have to go to work, and I silently curse. Having 10 days off from work has totally spoiled me. I missed her so much yesterday and I dread leaving her today.

Georgia finishes her baba, and tosses it aside. It cracks me up when she "tosses things aside". She is making decisions. "I don't want this anymore!' It is so funny to watch children start to process thoughts and opinions. Or maybe, it is so funny to watch my own child process thoughts and opinions. I remember when you were a little seedling in my belly, and now you toss your bottle aside like you own the joint. In a way, she does own the joint.

She sits up, looks around, and then falls forward and belly crawls towards my night stand.I usually have some of her toys sitting there or books...shimmying over to Club Nightstand is usual business, and I get ready to hand her some toy that was laying there waiting to be drooled on. She usually crawls over me to get to the night stand, so when she puts her hands on my chest and tried to scoot upwards, I think nothing of it.

I give her a helpful push up, she is on my chest, and I expect her to crawl off of me towards treasure.

LAND HO! There is the nightstand! Give me my toys servant!

Instead, Georgia stays on top of me. She puts her cheek on my chest, her hands grab my hair, and with a low, almost throaty, sob-like whisper, she says,


She pats my cheek.

Lump in my throat. Ache in the pit of my stomach. Tears in my eyes. A choking gasp.

She is thinking about me.


Monday, January 2, 2012

Bad Mom

Hello and Happy New Year! I could never be a professional blogger because I'm down to writing once a month. I do have a good excuse though. I started my new job and I've been EXHAUSTED!  A new job is very stressful and combined with taking care of little G, I can barely keep my eyes open. Everything is working out fabulously, I really like it, and I'm happy I decided to make the switch. That's all I'm writing about work, because blogging and work don't mix.

Now on to the love of my life. Georgia Grace. She is 9 months old now, says "Mama" and "Dada". She points at objects she wants, and has great control when picking up things and switching them in her hands. The doc says this kind of baby work is ADVAAANCED. Yes, I was annoyingly proud that the doctor said this. She claps her hands, says "HIIIYA" when you enter a room, gives me a hug when I say, 'Where is my baaaaby?" And she french kisses me when I pucker my lips. I want to melt into a puddle each time she kisses me. It actually makes my heart hurt, and sometimes I wonder how parents  survive this kind of love. It is the biggest kind of love-so heart achingly beautiful and scary. I don't know how else to describe it.

Christmas in Cancun was really fun. Not very relaxing, as far as how you relax when you don't have children. But relaxing in the I have kids an can't really relax kind of relaxing. I would never want to go on vacation without Georgia. I would miss her too much. It doesn't matter that my life is not my own. I've grown up so much this year, become less self-absorbed and more self-satisfied. I love being Georgia's mama. Everyday I thank the stars for sending me my perfect little babe, and wonder what I ever did to get so lucky to get to be HER mom.

I hope she one day feels lucky to have me as her mom. When I think about what a big deal I am going to be to her over the next 18 years, it gives me chills. Parents can make or break their kids in some cases, and I never want her to feel lonely or unloved, or bad about herself.  Obviously, I know most parents go into parenting with these goals,  but I don't understand how their view changes as their children get older. Do they forget how HUGE there role is in shaping their children? Once the sweet baby face is relpaced by an annoying acne faced 12 year old, is it easy to forget everything you pledged on the day of their birth? 

 I guess only time will tell. I will not be concerned with that now. Right now we are into going to playgrounds, reading stories, watching Barney.  Ugh kill me now, the kid loves Barney. My granny let her watch it one day while she was babysitting.  At first I was horrified-not about watching television, but actually horrified about Barney.  And then I'm like, "I've never even watched Barney. I just think I'm SUPPOSED to hate this Barney who I have never seen"  So then it was all confusing, and I decided to watch an episode with her to see what was up. She laughs her ass off. Seriously, it is so funny. She screams and laughs, and points( in a very advanced fashion) at the television. Who am I to deny her such fun?  Plus, Barney shares and helps people, and sings. Georgia LOVES music and dances andwatching other children so whatever.

Yep, Georgia and I watch television together every once in a while. Bite me, haters.

                                                                                             ( Role Model)