Thursday, November 20, 2014

I don't know what the hell I am talking about here...

One thing I am not concerned with this pregnancy is what EVERYONE ELSE is doing with their pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Georgia I got sucked into breastfeeding vs bottle, non medicated vs medicated birth, who is co-sleeping,  babywearing groups were full of drama and hilarious to read, I was not going to be one of "those" parents. I swore Georgia would never watch Disney movies or wear "character" shirts, and I tried very hard to fit Georgia into my life instead of adjusting my life to her. I wanted to fill her world with my 34 year old adult tastes, which is really stupid. I didn't even want to buy a jumperoo because it did not match my decor.

After Georgia was born, Chris and I still went out to dinner a lot. Brought sleeping infant with us, had some wine....or I would still go to brunch with my friends and tote her along. I wondered why people thought it was so hard to keep up an adult lifestyle  with a child. This is easy! She sleeps all the time...I must rule or something!

How STUPID is that?  Your sleeping infant  grows into a crazy 18 month old who grabs, throws, cries, spills, ..the restaurant days are over (at least for a while).

Yes, I know. Before you become a parent you will NEVER ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO ACT LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC. Yes, yes. It is so easy, and we are all dipshits except for you who has everything figured out before your fetus is is a glimmer in your eye. I know before I had kids I wasn't really too excited to be around them, but I never had this weird hatred of "parents" that seems to be in fashion these days. Kids are not allowed to be kids in public...but that is another blog for another day.

We had to stop going out to eat for a while until Georgia was older because 18 month olds are not tiny adults and taking them out with you sucks. She is almost 4 now and she is really good if we go out, but we did have to take a break for a while. I don't know why I am mentioning this at all, but it seemed worth mentioning!

Date night was also big on my list of things to do after baby. Find a babysitter, go out with Chris or have girls night with my friends. Chris and I took turns "taking a break" and hitting the town. This was important to me, to keep up some semblance of my adult lifestyle as I entered motherhood. The responsibility was overwhelming and sometimes unwanted. I was used to adults, not children and I did not want to do child centered things in the beginning. I didn't really realize I did not want to do them, but looking back, I really did not. I mean, we signed her up for music classes and everything, I'm not saying I ran out 7 days a week for karaoke or anything, but ME time was important to ME. The transition from childless 34 year old to 34 year old mother was ...not hard..but it was not easy. It took a while for me to feel comfortable being "mom".

Now. Now that I am pregnant with my second child. Now that I have had almost four years of carrying the enormous responsibility of being a mother. Now that the exhausting lifestyle of being a parent has settled all nice and cozy into my soul, I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of this shit is important to me. Friday night: popcorn, Beauty and the Beast,playing games like "bakery" and "who stole the treasure"  and pass out at 9PM. Saturday: cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning, organizing for the week, Sunday-lay around and watch football.

This is not to say that I do not dream of going to happy hour or a concert or something that does not involve kids. I do. My sister and I have big plans to go out to a BYOB crepe restaurant after the baby is born ( "big plans' is sarcastic) and I am very excited to be out in the city, to not wear maternity clothes, and to drink a bottle of wine. But...I think I've settled into being a mom. I know for some women the change is immediate. And I feel badly that for me it was not, but it is what it is.  I still hate going to birthday parties and playgrounds..um...so hopefully I will come around.

I'm not in any way shape or form "super mom". I'm pretty sure Georgia's 4th birthday will be a few friends over and pizza. I don't bake, sew, or make shit. I never remember to take a holiday card picture or to get matching holiday pajamas or to buy play elf on the shelf.

However, my daughter thinks I am hilarious and tells me all the time that I am the best mom ever. SHE thinks my crappy crafts are funny and tries to "fix" them. She teaches me french, we snuggle and cuddle and make up stories and kiss and hug and laugh, and yes sometimes argue. Sometimes she hits me and I make her apologize -just mentioning this so that everyone knows I'm not trying to make it all about rainbow clouds.

She told me the other day she was trying to make her hair look like mine because I was beautiful, and I almost died. It was the greatest compliment I have ever received because I know she believes I am a beautiful person, not in a physical way.She had no agenda, no negative motives, it was just exactly what she was feeling at the time.  I know this because it is exactly how I feel about my mom and grandmom. When I look at them I see beautiful women who make me feel safe and loved and I am beside myself that Georgia feels that way about me too, even with all of my faults. I know she will never love me in the horribly beautiful way that I love her, but we are building our bond and learning our roles, and as she is my first child, I'm letting her teach me as much as I teach her.

I'm sure when she is 16, I am going to be the lamest person she ever met, but it is important now to lay the foundation of a strong relationship, because teenagers turn into adults and they come around if the foundation is there.

So, I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about.  I guess I'm just saying...I'm growing up still even at 37 years old. Still learning and changing, but happy that I might be able to apply some of my "wisdom" to my second child. Wisdom as in, all kids are different, don't have a plan, let your kids teach you, be in their lives, mind your own business, and that happiness is a choice and a goal to work towards on a daily basis.

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