Tuesday, February 15, 2011

In which I pee on myself

So, I know this isn't a big deal or anything-but I'm really awesome at peeing in a cup. You do this a lot during pregnancy, so my unknown talent has actually become very useful during the past eight months. Now, just so you know, I did not just "become" good at urinating in a plastic cup. It has taken me years of practice-probably starting at 18 years old when the term "cop a squat" became a regular phrase in my weekend vocab.  You know, at 18 there isn't really anywhere to go to par-tay, so many parties take places in the woods (really?).  Well, for me they did anyway.  At that time I was kind of trying to decide if I wanted to be some kind of 90's revived hippie chick (which thankfully I decided AGAINST) ,so I was down with nature and bonfires at the time. ( Even though I did want to vom  all over the stupid, crying, bongo players on the beach the day Jerry Garcia died) But whatever. My point is, there are no bathrooms in the woods...get what I'm saying? I also went to frat parties sometimes, but even at frat houses sometimes copping a squat in the backyard is a welcome alternative to using a bathroom that is occupied by 18 dirty, sex obsessed college football players. Or something. 

Anyway.  So my years of squatting began then-there were no cups involved per se-but being able to go to the bathroom without going on yourself  takes a little practice-luckily I practiced SO MUCH that I am totally able to do this with no problem.  Gas Stations? HA! I laugh in the face of gas stations!  Lorenzo's Pizza? HAHAHA! They have nothing on me! By the time I was 23 I could pee in a small plastic coffee mug, in the backseat of a moving vee-hick-el driving from Philly to Wilmington, while wearing a hula skirt and sunglasses at 2AM and singing my ass off while harmonizing to Bon Jovi.

Anyway, today I am sad. Today, I had...an accident. Today I went to my 36 week check up, and of course they need to take a urine sample. So I'm all "yeah bitches" and I go into the bathroom. I open the lid. AND I MISS THE FREAKING CUP. And I'm wearing a gray sweat suit so, like, you can see EVERYTHING that happened. Mortifyyyyying.

Now, in my defense. I can't see over my stomach. I haven't shaved or anything since probably October-I can barely bend over to put on my shoes, you know, because there is a FREAKING PERSON living in my uterus!  There is a head in my pelvis people! My pelvis! So it was only a matter of time before I have some kind of accident that involves urine.

So, I miss the cup and peed all over myself in my gray sweat suit. I started crying because I'm fat and I have cramps, and I can't walk. I can't sleep at night because I have restless leg syndrome (for realz, RLS  is no joke!) and I get charlie horses, and my arms and legs feel like they are detaching from my body, and my back (still) feels like I am carrying the state of Texas on it, and now, I've wet myself. 

I don't think I will ever feel pretty or sexy again.

No comments:

Post a Comment