Dreams

In February, I will be 37 years old with two daughters. I would be less shocked if I won a Grammy. I sit here, and I think about it, and I feel like I've been hit in the face with a frying pan. Me? A mom with two kids! Two daughters?  How is this happening to me?

I never in a million years dreamed of children. Honestly. When I was growing up, singing was my life and all I thought about was what musical path I would go down when I was older. When I was 10 I practiced my best Judy Garland, and Shani Wallis n my backyard every day after school until I had perfected a belt suitable for a 25 year old woman, when I was 16 I wanted to be a Broadway star in Les Miserables, when I was 20 I wanted to find my Lindsey Buckingham and break up with him and be in a real rock band and write songs about love and heartbreak, when I was 25 I took a more realistic approach and thought about careers where could use my voice if fame and stardom did not pan out. I heard melodies and harmonies in every sound that came my way, I constantly made up ( and still do) songs in my head, and poems, and rhymes, and metaphors and put them to music when I am cooking, in the shower, cleaning, walking... I never imagined a wedding dress, I imagined a dress for when I won my Tony or Grammy.

All of a sudden,  I'm about 26 years old, and I get my stupid vocal cord injury. I did everything wrong in the year leading up to my eventual diagnosis. The main thing being I kind of ignored it for too long, I went to the wrong doctors (plural), and most like damaged something that was totally fixable, and all of a sudden  I'm 27 years old with no dream. It really sucks to lose your dream. Dreams are the keys that get us through our days. I've written about this a million times...Nightmare. It's a nightmare to lose your voice when it is connected to your entire soul...

So now I have a daughter. And I am going to have two daughters. And they are the greatest dream I never had come true. Really.

I've had people ask me if now that I have children has that filled the musical void, and the honest answer is no. I still miss it, I still cry sometimes, and I feel sad and regretful at least once a day...but that is better than 27/7 which is how it was.

I have been asked, "so would you change having children if you could have your voice back?"

Uh...what?

Missing my voice does not mean I do not want my daughter. It means I miss voice. One has nothing to do with the other, and I think it's weird first of all that I've had this conversation more than once, and second of all I think it's weird that people think children are a replacement for voids in life. My daughter is not a replacement for anything. My new baby is not a replacement for anything. They don't complete me, (I'm still working that out myself) and frankly it is not their job to complete me. That is a really huge expectation to put on a baby!

So...this blog totally went a different route that I expected. I wasn't even planning to write about singing, but its been on my mind lately. Mostly because my voice has gotten a little stronger so I've been practicing a bit more than usual which is good but also frustrating.

blah.

I will go back to being funny tomorrow. For right now I will just sit here blown away by the fact that I'm a mom, a lady with two kids, pushing 40, deciding whether or not I want an unmedicated birth. Seriously, this conversation I am having with myself is shocking. Although if I give birth on Superbowl Sunday I will get the epidural so I can watch. But otherwise the epi is up in the air.