During my first pregnancy, I knew nothing about trimesters, or symptoms during trimesters, or what the hell a trimester was. I found it all to be very shocking.
I even wrote myself a note at the end, "DO NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN"
Of course, we forget how horrible it is. If we did not, none of us would have siblings. I totally thought I was ready and prepared this time around and that i would become a beautiful version Mother Earth Incarnate in heels.
But alas, it sucked more than I remembered and thus renewed my hatred of pregnancy and all things related. Mother Earth incarnate I am not.
For those of you who are not pregnant, I will break it down. Basically there are three symptoms. Starvation, exhaustion, and nausea. It's basically like a three month hangover.
So yes. You are starving. More starving than you have ever been in your life. Imagine the hungriest you have ever been and then multiply it by like eighty five million billion, and add the confusing overwhelming urge to barf when you think about food even though you are starving. Frantic 3am fridge attacks, stuffing anything in your face you can get your hands on. Yogurt, pretzels,cold pizza, chips, pickles... You are stuffing it all down your throat....spoons flying, cans breaking, bags ripped open, OMG a cupcake...YES!!!! Apples are being violently smashed on the ground because who the hell wants an apple in this kindof national crisis...tears and serious dramatic crying because no matter how much you eat it doesn't go away!! It sucks to think about food 24/7. Eating becomes a horrible chore, the baby is just sucking up all of your nutrients and energy which brings me to the next symptom.
And the fatigue...the sheer exhaustion. Remember that Sunday night ( 20 years ago?) you stayed up until 7AM because you decided at 2AM that ecstasy sounded like a great idea, since all the bars had closed and OMG there was NOTHING TO DO AT 2AM even though you had to go to work on Monday. Remember? Or maybe you don't remember. But you DO remember how exhausted you were. That is exactly how tired you are... 24/7 no less!
Kick in some good old fashioned 21st birthday party vomiting at any and all hours of the day, and there is my description of the first trimester in all of its glory.
So, pregnancy ROUND 1 with Georgia. I was totally stunned at how horrible everything was. I had no idea it could be so bad. I knew pregnant people threw up, but basically...that is all I knew. I was literally knocked the fuck out AND I didn't even have it that bad compared to other stories I heard from other moms. I did throw up in the beginning, but once I stopped taking those stupid horse pills my vomiting stopped. I was exhausted and starving, but I talked to ladies who threw up morning, noon, and night...they couldn't' go to work. They were throwing up in the basement of their works so no one would know because they did not want to announce their pregnancies yet. I think that is crazy, yet also admirable because with both pregnancies I told at least some people basically before the pee stick was dry, and if I was barfing in a basement I would NEVER be able to keep that shit to myself. But anyway...going through the first trimester the first time was rough, some had it rougher...but for me this time was a million times worse because there is now a three year old in the mix!
There is NO TIME to be sick. Literally. None. You need to throw up? Do it while you are running after your kid holding part of a potty seat. Yes. I was walking around with the seat part of G's potty seat in case I needed to yack. You want to take a nap? You will have better luck asking your boss to take a nap on his desk, because when you have a three year old you have to be on all the freaking time.
You can not call out pregnant when you have another small child. You get home from work, you play, get dinner ready, eat...or in my case watch other people eat and decide whether eating is going to be worth it in 3 hours when your stomach sounds like the bog of eternal stench. At least mine did. Like, one night I was literally laying there and my stomach sounded like 1000000 dead farts were dying in my body and I am just sweating and crying and praying to please throw up and to please not throw up at the same time and maybe it would be best if I just pooped but I've been constipated and painfully bloated for a MONTH so that probably is not going to happen.
Um, where was I? Oh yes! DINNER!
So like, then there's all that stress of whether or not you should eat and get sick, or not eat and starve. Usually I would just cry. Time to clean up!!! Then it's playtime, vacuum dog hair, give kid bath, story, bed...now it's 8:30. A sort of respectable bed time so I go to bed. Get sick all night. Sometimes I don't make it all the way to the bathroom. Sometimes don't get sick at all but OMG that horrible nauseous seasick feeling that won't go away. One time I was throwing up, I did not make it to the bathroom and I'm getting sick all over the floor and Georgia was standing right next to me saying "MOM IS THAT YOU THROWING UP OR THE BABY? IS THE BABY THROWING UP THE MUFFINS I GAVE YOU? MOM? MOM? MOM?
AGGGHHHHHH!!!!
And also can we talk about clothes? My shit doesn't fit. I have gained 5 pounds which doesn't seem like a lot but on me it is. It is all in my stomach, hips and butt are already expanding, and my pants are not buttoning and the crotch is like all up there. It feels very uncomfortable, my boobs are bigger so my shirts look pornographic (even though my boobs are not really that big, my shirts are just really small) Same for mostly everything I own. I look like I'm about to pop out of everything, but I'm still too small for maternity clothes. I went to LOFT to try to buy a 2 pairs of pants in a bigger size to get me through the summer and they fit in the waist but everywhere else was too big and I looked like an ass clown. So I have about 6 dresses that have been in rotation for the past 1.5 months which is torture for me and today I broke down and wore leggings and a long shirt. I just need a belt and I will look exactly like Peg Bundy! Yippee! Toss in my gray roots because I have not colored my hair in 2 months and you have one big hott mess of a woman!
Anyway, this is my last week of the first trimester. I am feeling so much better. I am getting my hair did tomorrow, I'm eating like a normal person, I have not solved the clothing issue so if anyone has suggestions that is great...but ....besides that I am doing great. It is OVER. My last first trimester for the rest of my life! (I'm getting my tubes tied after this).
Goodbye first trimester you old bitch! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
And the fatigue...the sheer exhaustion. Remember that Sunday night ( 20 years ago?) you stayed up until 7AM because you decided at 2AM that ecstasy sounded like a great idea, since all the bars had closed and OMG there was NOTHING TO DO AT 2AM even though you had to go to work on Monday. Remember? Or maybe you don't remember. But you DO remember how exhausted you were. That is exactly how tired you are... 24/7 no less!
Kick in some good old fashioned 21st birthday party vomiting at any and all hours of the day, and there is my description of the first trimester in all of its glory.
So, pregnancy ROUND 1 with Georgia. I was totally stunned at how horrible everything was. I had no idea it could be so bad. I knew pregnant people threw up, but basically...that is all I knew. I was literally knocked the fuck out AND I didn't even have it that bad compared to other stories I heard from other moms. I did throw up in the beginning, but once I stopped taking those stupid horse pills my vomiting stopped. I was exhausted and starving, but I talked to ladies who threw up morning, noon, and night...they couldn't' go to work. They were throwing up in the basement of their works so no one would know because they did not want to announce their pregnancies yet. I think that is crazy, yet also admirable because with both pregnancies I told at least some people basically before the pee stick was dry, and if I was barfing in a basement I would NEVER be able to keep that shit to myself. But anyway...going through the first trimester the first time was rough, some had it rougher...but for me this time was a million times worse because there is now a three year old in the mix!
There is NO TIME to be sick. Literally. None. You need to throw up? Do it while you are running after your kid holding part of a potty seat. Yes. I was walking around with the seat part of G's potty seat in case I needed to yack. You want to take a nap? You will have better luck asking your boss to take a nap on his desk, because when you have a three year old you have to be on all the freaking time.
You can not call out pregnant when you have another small child. You get home from work, you play, get dinner ready, eat...or in my case watch other people eat and decide whether eating is going to be worth it in 3 hours when your stomach sounds like the bog of eternal stench. At least mine did. Like, one night I was literally laying there and my stomach sounded like 1000000 dead farts were dying in my body and I am just sweating and crying and praying to please throw up and to please not throw up at the same time and maybe it would be best if I just pooped but I've been constipated and painfully bloated for a MONTH so that probably is not going to happen.
Um, where was I? Oh yes! DINNER!
So like, then there's all that stress of whether or not you should eat and get sick, or not eat and starve. Usually I would just cry. Time to clean up!!! Then it's playtime, vacuum dog hair, give kid bath, story, bed...now it's 8:30. A sort of respectable bed time so I go to bed. Get sick all night. Sometimes I don't make it all the way to the bathroom. Sometimes don't get sick at all but OMG that horrible nauseous seasick feeling that won't go away. One time I was throwing up, I did not make it to the bathroom and I'm getting sick all over the floor and Georgia was standing right next to me saying "MOM IS THAT YOU THROWING UP OR THE BABY? IS THE BABY THROWING UP THE MUFFINS I GAVE YOU? MOM? MOM? MOM?
AGGGHHHHHH!!!!
And also can we talk about clothes? My shit doesn't fit. I have gained 5 pounds which doesn't seem like a lot but on me it is. It is all in my stomach, hips and butt are already expanding, and my pants are not buttoning and the crotch is like all up there. It feels very uncomfortable, my boobs are bigger so my shirts look pornographic (even though my boobs are not really that big, my shirts are just really small) Same for mostly everything I own. I look like I'm about to pop out of everything, but I'm still too small for maternity clothes. I went to LOFT to try to buy a 2 pairs of pants in a bigger size to get me through the summer and they fit in the waist but everywhere else was too big and I looked like an ass clown. So I have about 6 dresses that have been in rotation for the past 1.5 months which is torture for me and today I broke down and wore leggings and a long shirt. I just need a belt and I will look exactly like Peg Bundy! Yippee! Toss in my gray roots because I have not colored my hair in 2 months and you have one big hott mess of a woman!
Anyway, this is my last week of the first trimester. I am feeling so much better. I am getting my hair did tomorrow, I'm eating like a normal person, I have not solved the clothing issue so if anyone has suggestions that is great...but ....besides that I am doing great. It is OVER. My last first trimester for the rest of my life! (I'm getting my tubes tied after this).
Goodbye first trimester you old bitch! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
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